“In the one-up, one-down world of men, there’s no place for 'same as,' and hence no platform for real intimacy. You’re either a winner or loser: dominator or dominated, grandiose or shame-filled. And you can’t be truly intimate from either the one-down (shame-filled) or the one-up (grandiose) position.” - [...]
They said, submit, sister, your strength is a sin. Kneel at the altar of his headship, let his voice lead, ignore your intuition. Her body, a temple, they claimed, but not her own. Every word of hers, a stone cast, while his lies built a throne. You are Jezebel incarnate, [...]
In the early 80s, Therapist Pia Mellody created a helpful model to help understand trauma and treat the issues that came from it. She called this model the “Developmental Model of Immaturity.” Fast forward another decade or so, therapist and author Terry Real developed Relational Life Therapy (RLT), built on [...]
Sheila Gregoire recently posted this question on her social media, “ A guy is getting out of the Every Man's Battle mentality and truly trying to put porn & lust behind him. He's doing the work. He's seeing a counselor.The problem is that he still battles with lustful thoughts when [...]
It is vital, especially in the historical segregation of genders within Christian communities, to address and heal our gendered wounds, full-faced and fully storied. I will unpack what I mean by that. Growing up in the bible-belt at the height of the purity culture of the 90s, I was taught [...]
Welcome to the Narcissistic Bible. This work is an audacious celebration of self, a guidebook for those who dare to place themselves at the center of their universe instead of God. This book dares to assert that self-centeredness and self-importance are acceptable and essential in a world where selflessness is [...]
There is an ongoing debate within the subculture of sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma circles that I would like to address. Is my husband’s betrayal of me a choice, or is it because of his unaddressed wounds and trauma? Indeed, there are lines drawn in the sand here; sides [...]
Illustration by Raquel Aparicio A common abusive tactic that can be used by those in positions of spiritual authority is what I call, “weaponizing forgiveness”. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, that can be vital to your own healing and liberation, yet it must be understood more fully, rather than used [...]
I am honored to feature my wife, Dr. Christy Bauman, and her essay below. You can find her work https://christybauman.com/ and www.ChristianCC.org and follow her on Instagram. My story is that I grew up with a father who is a sex addict. While he never touched me, his sexual unhealthiness [...]
A kind of second childhood falls on so many men. —John Steinbeck This quote from Steinbeck makes so much sense to me. As I walk alongside men in recovery from deceptive sexuality and abuse this second childhood is very real. Many grown men from their 20s through 80s walk [...]
One way to retraumatize and groom a victim of abuse is the promotion of the “marriage, no matter what” ideology which is common for women coming out of Christian abuse-affirming churches. The damaging “marriage, no matter what” ideology is a salvation fantasy and a form of idolatry that must be [...]
I remember when I was living fully into my compulsive sexual behaviors of pornography, fantasy, and masturbation, my brain always seeking its next high. Scanning rooms for cleavage, legs, butts, anything I could take and devour. Literally, not thinking about anyone else but me and my pleasure. The theme of [...]
Grace is the foundation of our Christian faith. Jesus giving his sinless life in place of our own is what the good news is all about. But what happens when grace is used inappropriately, used as a form of manipulation to push victims of abuse and/or betrayal to “show grace” [...]
The purity movement of the 90s created some odd sexual behaviors that we are still seeing play out 30 years later as those adolescents have become married adults attempting to have healthy sexual relationships. One of those sexual outcomes is that men (and many women) are proud that they “waited” [...]
General William Sherman once said, “War is Hell” and I completely agree. I would also say abuse is war, just a different type. The hell that a woman bears by living with an insecure, defensive, and reactive husband can leave her with PTSD similar to that of a veteran returning [...]
