“I have been in therapy for decades. I know this stuff, but I still haven’t changed.” People come into my office after years of talk therapy, most with positive experiences, but something is still missing. Most can name their trauma clearly, they understand their family of origin and how the [...]
Honored to be with my mom today, every moment holy. It’s a gift to say goodbye in this way. This will be the 7th day in a row I am getting to sit with her and visit. Part of me hates this; the other part of me wouldn’t want to [...]
Healthy sex with your partner is not about practicing some new sex tip you saw on TikTok or a new performance strategy you researched while watching porn. Slow sex is a posture—an embodied humility that asks a man to finally show up in his fullness, not as a performer, [...]
Men are taught early on to categorize women. We do this unconsciously and instinctively, often forming this approach in adolescence. It’s part of the socialization of masculinity — a system that teaches boys to relate to women not as full humans but as utility and function, with the mindset, “what [...]
Men’s recovery groups matter. They give men a space to practice honesty, connection, and vulnerability — a place where deep shame and sorrow can finally be spoken aloud. As a therapist on the frontlines of men’s work for the past 15 years, I’ve seen how vital these circles can be. [...]
“Well, I don’t want to be just like Jesus because he is dead,” my 5-year-old son blurted out one morning on the way to school. His deadpan delivery startled me. My theological brain wanted to jump in about resurrection and eternal life, but he had named something profound: We want [...]
For many men, intimacy comes in only two flavors: sexual conquest or violent confrontation. We have been socialized, almost from birth, to face another man eye-to-eye only when we’re about to fight—or when we’re competing for dominance. The only time in our society where it is socially acceptable to [...]
They said, submit, sister, your strength is a sin. Kneel at the altar of his headship, let his voice lead, ignore your intuition. Her body, a temple, they claimed, but not her own. Every word of hers, a stone cast, while his lies built a throne. You are Jezebel incarnate, [...]
Greg was a famous pastor, young and charismatic, a popular Christian author, and an influencer in my evangelical circles. Though I didn’t know him personally, I had heard his name often and appreciated his passionate work from afar. So, I was pleasantly surprised when I saw his name in our [...]
In the early 80s, Therapist Pia Mellody created a helpful model to help understand trauma and treat the issues that came from it. She called this model the “Developmental Model of Immaturity.” Fast forward another decade or so, therapist and author Terry Real developed Relational Life Therapy (RLT), built on [...]
What were the messages you received about being a man growing up? These are some of the common misconceptions about masculinity we were taught as children. These messages came from our parents, our schools, our churches, and society as a whole. They shaped our view of ourselves without us even [...]
The five senses are how humans perceive and interact with the world. Through pornography use, other unhealthy sexual practices, and the socialization of masculinity, we have become disembodied creatures. Returning to what makes us most alive (our five senses) will be the path toward liberation, wholeness, and integrity. Porn has [...]
If you are a man struggling to remain humble as you and your spouse heal from your destructive behaviors, here is a centering prayer to help you recover and stay rooted in your true self. Loving God, I come before You broken, Acknowledging the pain I have caused, The abuse [...]
It is vital, especially in the historical segregation of genders within Christian communities, to address and heal our gendered wounds, full-faced and fully storied. I will unpack what I mean by that. Growing up in the bible-belt at the height of the purity culture of the 90s, I was taught [...]
Inviting people into their suffering is part of my job description. Yet folks don’t come to see me unless they are already in a great deal of pain. Many times, their suffering is because of what someone did to them without their consent, and other times, their misery is [...]
It’s not what you say is what you believe, it’s how you live that is most true of you. I often counsel women by saying, “We no longer believe his words, but only his life.” So many men will say they “dabble” in porn? Sorry, there is no such thing [...]
Let me be candid with you, many men who say they're on this journey of transformation and change are, well, frankly, full of ofσκύβαλα aka skubala (this is the Greek word for shit, dung, fecal matter, decayed waste made famous by the Apostle Paul which he used in his [...]
There is an ongoing debate within the subculture of sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma circles that I would like to address. Is my husband’s betrayal of me a choice, or is it because of his unaddressed wounds and trauma? Indeed, there are lines drawn in the sand here; sides [...]
Illustration by Raquel Aparicio A common abusive tactic that can be used by those in positions of spiritual authority is what I call, “weaponizing forgiveness”. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, that can be vital to your own healing and liberation, yet it must be understood more fully, rather than used [...]
Being around Alzheimer’s/dementia feels like being around death. My mom is void of herself—a shell of a human still trying to be polite, hospitable—yet she is gone. She is no longer the woman who raised me. I have noticed this week, being around her, that I too feel gone. As [...]
