On Weaponizing Forgiveness

By |2023-11-02T14:32:14+00:00November 2nd, 2023|Church, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Marriage, patriarchy, Relationships, women|

Illustration by Raquel Aparicio A common abusive tactic that can be used by those in positions of spiritual authority is what I call, “weaponizing forgiveness”. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, that can be vital to your own healing and liberation, yet it must be understood more fully, rather than used [...]

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My Mother’s Fourth Year of Dementia

By |2023-07-20T20:14:24+00:00July 20th, 2023|Death, God, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Loss|

Being around Alzheimer’s/dementia feels like being around death. My mom is void of herself—a shell of a human still trying to be polite, hospitable—yet she is gone. She is no longer the woman who raised me. I have noticed this week, being around her, that I too feel gone. As [...]

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A Reflection on Father’s Day

By |2023-06-19T14:26:36+00:00June 19th, 2023|Death, Death, Fatherlessness, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Masculinity, Relationships|

Father's Day is such a strange day for me. A day full of hope for the future, contentment for the present, and grief for the past. I don't think my desire to be fathered will ever fully go away. I both hate that and have come to love it, as [...]

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Our Second Childhood

By |2023-02-20T21:40:17+00:00February 20th, 2023|Domestic Violence, Fatherlessness, Healing, Kindness, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships|

A kind of second childhood falls on so many men. —John Steinbeck   This quote from Steinbeck makes so much sense to me. As I walk alongside men in recovery from deceptive sexuality and abuse this second childhood is very real. Many grown men from their 20s through 80s walk [...]

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Marriage, No Matter What!? An Ideology of Idolatry

By |2023-01-13T19:35:12+00:00January 13th, 2023|Addiction, Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence, God, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Marriage, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, women|

One way to retraumatize and groom a victim of abuse is the promotion of the “marriage, no matter what” ideology which is common for women coming out of Christian abuse-affirming churches. The damaging “marriage, no matter what” ideology is a salvation fantasy and a form of idolatry that must be [...]

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Pearl Divers: A Picture of Equality in Marriage

By |2023-01-09T14:45:05+00:00January 9th, 2023|Healing, Marriage, Relationships, women|

Have you ever heard the story of how traditional pearl divers dive for pearls? Mark Nepo shares in his book, The Book of Awakening, this powerful metaphor on relationships.  Pearl divers dive in pairs, without oxygen tanks, and they need each other to have a successful dive. While he dives [...]

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Abuse in the Protestant Church

By |2022-12-14T12:51:46+00:00December 14th, 2022|Church, Domestic Violence, God, Healing, Loss, Sexism, Sexual Abuse|

Abuse in the Protestant Church is a serious concern that has caused immense pain and suffering for so many, especially women. I have spent the last year of my life listening to women’s stories for my dissertation and my newest book project called, The Elephant in the Church: What Women [...]

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The Art of Lament

By |2022-12-09T13:47:19+00:00December 9th, 2022|Death, Death, Grief, Healing, Loss|

“Churches should be the most honest place in town,  not the happiest place in town.”  - Walter Brueggemann The 11-year anniversary of the death of my courageous boy, Brave (You can watch our film here), has me thinking of the art of lament. Why should we engage in our pain? [...]

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What If My Penis Could Talk?

By |2022-11-18T20:48:12+00:00November 18th, 2022|Glory, Healing, Masculinity, patriarchy, Poetry, Pornography, Self-Contempt, Sexuality, Shame|

During my 13-year addiction to pornography and 20-year addiction to the objectification of women, I am wondering what my penis would have said if it had a voice? Strange, as it may sound, each of our body parts has a story to tell. Will you listen? Will you listen to [...]

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The Minimization of Pornography

By |2022-11-11T00:24:57+00:00November 10th, 2022|Domestic Violence, Healing, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Uncategorized, Violence, women|

“I have been in sin and need prayer” or “I have a problem with lust” are common confessions within the church context. Those with a bit more courage will at least admit that they are struggling with pornography or wandering thoughts about females. But even that has become so normative [...]

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Practicing Full Consent

By |2022-10-30T02:49:53+00:00October 30th, 2022|Addiction, Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Violence, women|

I remember when I was living fully into my compulsive sexual behaviors of pornography, fantasy, and masturbation, my brain always seeking its next high. Scanning rooms for cleavage, legs, butts, anything I could take and devour. Literally, not thinking about anyone else but me and my pleasure. The theme of [...]

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I Caught my Teen Son Using Porn, What Do I Do?

By |2022-10-07T15:35:54+00:00October 7th, 2022|Addiction, Fatherlessness, Healing, Masculinity, Pornography, Reader's Ask, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, women|

A common question I get asked weekly is, “What do I do—I caught my teenage son looking at porn?” I intend to write the book, The Sexually Healthy Teen, but until then, let’s talk about some helpful categories to engage your teen after porn exposure.  First, make sure your own [...]

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Dangerous Grace: Having Boundaries Against Spiritual Manipulation

By |2022-09-28T17:19:58+00:00July 14th, 2022|Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence, Healing, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Sexism, Violence, women|

Grace is the foundation of our Christian faith. Jesus giving his sinless life in place of our own is what the good news is all about. But what happens when grace is used inappropriately, used as a form of manipulation to push victims of abuse and/or betrayal to “show grace” [...]

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No, Sorry, You’re Not a Virgin: Untangling Porn & Purity 

By |2022-05-13T13:00:24+00:00May 13th, 2022|Addiction, Domestic Violence, God, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, women|

The purity movement of the 90s created some odd sexual behaviors that we are still seeing play out 30 years later as those adolescents have become married adults attempting to have healthy sexual relationships. One of those sexual outcomes is that men (and many women) are proud that they “waited” [...]

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A Prayer for the Abused Woman

By |2022-01-24T15:25:04+00:00January 24th, 2022|Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Violence|

Dear God,  Sustainer of life, redeemer of what is broken.  I need you. I need you to be close by, my heart and body are weary.  Exhausted from the pain of my partner's projections onto me. His insecurities, his unfair judgments, entitlement, and lack of healing his own [...]

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Egalitarianism vs. Complementarianism: What about Submission?

By |2021-12-26T03:20:37+00:00November 10th, 2021|Church, Domestic Violence, God, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, women|

Though the words egalitarian and complementarian never appear in the Bible, the ideals espoused in both theologies have resulted in frequent debate among evangelicals (Giles, 2020). The debate centers around a difference of interpretation of the biblical text regarding gender roles and submission (Roat, 2019). “In many ways, the debate [...]

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Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage

By |2021-11-11T04:41:18+00:00October 20th, 2021|Church, Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Uncategorized, Violence|

I am proud to be writing this article in partnership with Taylor May, a survivor of emotional and spiritual abuse. She has boldly shared her own story about what it was like to be married to someone who had a Pornographic Style of Relating, (PSR) and what it felt like [...]

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Redeeming Power: Reclaiming Authentic Masculinity

By |2021-09-09T18:05:13+00:00September 9th, 2021|Death, Domestic Violence, Fatherlessness, Glory, God, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Violence|

The answer to becoming a safe and good man is not becoming weaker (humble, yes—weak, no); it's about becoming more powerful (not aggressive). However, stepping into authentic masculine power can seem like an oxymoron that conjures up images of the Marlboro man, or thoughts of violence, homophobia, misogyny, money, and [...]

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Action as the Repair of an Apology

By |2021-09-09T02:55:57+00:00September 9th, 2021|Church, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships|

“I am sorry.” “I am SO sorry.” “SORRY!” “No, listen, I am REALLY, REALLY sorry.” “Forgive me?” “My bad.” “My apologies.” When these attempts at an apology don’t get through to the partner we have harmed many times we try self-contempt. “Okay, I suck.” “I am such an idiot.” As [...]

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Fantasy Roots: Exploring Our Patterns of Escape

By |2021-09-06T18:48:56+00:00September 6th, 2021|Addiction, Domestic Violence, Healing, Kindness, Masculinity, Pornography, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, women|

Fantasy is an effective tool of escape. It soothes wounds and calms the anxious heart. Yet, this commitment to escapism leads to a cowardice in facing our most wounded places and takes a serious toll on how we live and relate. Engagement with fantasy teaches us that relief is more [...]

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