Redeeming Power: Reclaiming Authentic Masculinity

By |2021-09-09T18:05:13+00:00September 9th, 2021|Death, Domestic Violence, Fatherlessness, Glory, God, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Violence|

The answer to becoming a safe and good man is not becoming weaker (humble, yes—weak, no); it's about becoming more powerful (not aggressive). However, stepping into authentic masculine power can seem like an oxymoron that conjures up images of the Marlboro man, or thoughts of violence, homophobia, misogyny, money, and [...]

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Am I an Abuser? A Self-Assessment

By |2021-07-21T03:09:28+00:00July 20th, 2021|Addiction, Church, Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Violence|

One of the most difficult parts of this healing process of becoming a good and safe man is owning the fact that you have been abusive. So does that make you an abuser?  Of course, it does. Yet, there is such stigma and shame around that word, it is difficult [...]

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“You are an abuser!” “No, you are the abuser!”

By |2021-07-03T01:45:33+00:00June 18th, 2021|Domestic Violence, Fatherlessness, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Violence|

It's rare for an abusive man somewhere on the spectrum of an abuser not to claim that his wife is just as abusive or is also an abuser. I hear it all the time. “But, Andrew, sure I abused her that one time, but she has done…” The list of their [...]

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Scripture & Abuse

By |2021-05-10T15:29:15+00:00May 10th, 2021|Church, Domestic Violence, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Violence, women|

*Trigger Warning for those women who have been spiritually abused I am convinced scripture is meant to be a scalpel that facilitates healing and leads us into the painful holy act of repentance and transformation. Yet often scripture can resemble a crowbar. Looking to pound, shame, and control those who [...]

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The Spectrum of an Abuser

By |2021-05-04T00:53:40+00:00May 4th, 2021|Addiction, Domestic Violence, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Violence|

It’s important to note this article's intent is not to be used to justify abusive behavior but to more clearly define it. If you are a woman in an unsafe situation, get safe, immediately.     I have been working with abusive men in my private counseling practice for ten [...]

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The Good Wife’s Guide

By |2021-03-27T00:33:59+00:00March 26th, 2021|Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Violence|

In 1955, Housekeeping Monthly published an article called, "The Good Wife's Guide," telling wive’s how to be a “good wife” to their husbands. This is the social norm that laid a foundation that our parents were born into and still permeates in the patriarchal, misogynistic air that we breathe. [...]

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What Happens When My Abusive Husband Gets Healthy?

By |2021-01-29T15:04:04+00:00January 29th, 2021|Church, Death, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Violence|

It’s rare, but it happens. Abusive men can heal. But by rare, I mean the data is abysmal. Becoming safe and doing the work of healing only happens among roughly 1 in 10 abusive men.  Your abusive husband can heal when, and only when, he fully faces the depth of [...]

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Why We Love Narcissists and What to Do About It

By |2020-11-13T01:38:39+00:00November 12th, 2020|Domestic Violence, Fatherlessness, Healing, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Shame, Violence|

We love a good narcissist. Like flies drawn to the organic matter within feces, we hover close to a narcissist to try to catch some of what they seem to have, but what they actually offer us is clearly already decaying waste to those who are not the flies. Crude [...]

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WAP: A Celebration of Female Sexuality or An Internalization of Male Supremacy? 

By |2020-09-02T17:57:56+00:00September 2nd, 2020|Domestic Violence, Addiction, Grief, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Violence|

  *trigger warning: Degrading language, graphic sexual abuse described    Patriarchy’s influence on popular culture has made objectification and violence against women normative. We are so accustomed to violence against women, we don’t even react to it anymore. Songs I grew up listening to, for example, “O.P.P." by Naughty By [...]

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If I Were an Abuser, What Church Would I Want to Attend?

By |2020-09-10T13:34:06+00:00March 9th, 2020|Addiction, Church, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, God, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Shame, Violence|

I am proud to feature the work of Dr. Nancy Murphy on my blog today. Dr. Murphy is a professor, Executive director of Northwest Family Life, and runs www.DVtraining.net to help educate churches in navigating issues of Domestic Violence. She has been my teacher and supervisor for the past 10 [...]

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Breaking Down Stigmas & Sexism

By |2020-01-30T23:26:03+00:00January 29th, 2020|Death, Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Violence|

There are many stigmas that need to be broken in the Christian tradition. The stigma of divorce in the Christian community is a phenomenon where folks are, after much pain and heartache, retraumatized and relegated to a second-class-citizen type of Christian and branded as damaged goods, a failure, or both. [...]

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I Roll Back: A Poem for the Abused

By |2019-10-31T15:52:43+00:00October 31st, 2019|Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, Poetry, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Shame, Violence|

I am a bowling ball  heavy with holes,  unwilling to be used by you any longer.  You finger me at your will then Throw me away again and again,  and again.  I have become hard to survive; your grip is squeezing the life from me You toss me away, send [...]

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Don’t Talk to me of God

By |2019-07-04T19:56:17+00:00July 4th, 2019|Church, Glory, Grief, Healing, Loss, Violence, Writings|

As I observe the state of our nation, I am increasingly concerned, especially with the state of the faith community at large. Many folks call the U.S. a Christian nation, and yet, in practice, we are anything but. While we increase our spending on military machines, we not only don’t [...]

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Where I Come From: My Racist Roots

By |2019-06-24T22:55:47+00:00June 24th, 2019|Death, Grief, Poetry, Racism, Shame, Violence|

“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.” – James Baldwin   Put your fingers in your ears; you will still hear us.  Go ahead, run. Faster, boy; you [...]

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Honest Misogynist Part 3

By |2019-01-15T20:53:02+00:00January 15th, 2019|Domestic Violence, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Masculinity, Pornography, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Violence|

Here is Part 3 of this continued series of letters both to and from an honest misogynist. May it stir your heart to action against violence. This piece was written in collaboration with Rose Gwynn.  Part 1 Part 2 Dear Honest Misogynist, What a journey this has been. I have learned [...]

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Fighting Clean: Tips on How to Argue Well

By |2019-01-06T16:18:03+00:00January 6th, 2019|Domestic Violence, Healing, Kindness, Relationships, Violence|

One thing I have always struggled with is learning how to fight clean. In my family of origin, we won arguments by any means necessary: belittling, demeaning, and making the other person feel as small and as insignificant as possible in order to gain the upper hand. If that sounds [...]

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‘Tis the Season for Date Rape: A Modern Interpretation of a Christmas Classic

By |2018-12-05T20:08:05+00:00December 5th, 2018|Domestic Violence, Grief, Masculinity, Pornography, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Violence|

Internalized sexism and patriarchy are deeply entrenched into American culture. Even the Christmas season is not immune from this plague. As we celebrate the baby Jesus’ courageous entry into our world, sexist songs and rhetoric attempt to make light of sexual entrapment and the complete disregard of female voices and [...]

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I Repent: A Poem to my Non-Christian friends

By |2018-11-15T17:21:48+00:00November 15th, 2018|Forgiveness, Healing, Kindness, Poetry, Violence|

  Today I am coming out of the closet. No, I am not gay; I am a Christian. Now, be honest with yourself. When you hear me say those words, what comes to your mind?   Take a moment and listen to those inner voices.   Am I immediately anti-gay, [...]

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