Male Embodiment

By |2020-09-09T16:35:15+00:00September 6th, 2020|Masculinity, Glory, Healing, patriarchy, Pornography, Sexism, Shame, Wildness|

I am realizing that men are innately disconnected from their own bodies in a way that is unique to their maleness. (I am clearly not saying all women are connected to their bodies, clearly, and trauma warps all bodily connection.) But girls grow into womanhood with their monthly cycles literally [...]

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WAP: A Celebration of Female Sexuality or An Internalization of Male Supremacy? 

By |2020-09-02T17:57:56+00:00September 2nd, 2020|Domestic Violence, Addiction, Grief, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Violence|

  *trigger warning: Degrading language, graphic sexual abuse described    Patriarchy’s influence on popular culture has made objectification and violence against women normative. We are so accustomed to violence against women, we don’t even react to it anymore. Songs I grew up listening to, for example, “O.P.P." by Naughty By [...]

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God’s Creation: Informing the Beauty of Who We Are

By |2020-05-12T05:14:34+00:00March 25th, 2020|Calling, God, Masculinity, Nature, Wilderness, Wildness|

For over 30 years, I’ve been drawing the same image. It's a large oak tree, some green grass, a few shadowy mountains in the background with a vast sky, a few puffy clouds and a bright yellow sun in the upper left corner. (I drew it for you, I’m no [...]

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Sexualizing Sorrow: How Trauma Informs Our Sexual Brokenness

By |2020-03-11T02:33:48+00:00March 11th, 2020|Addiction, Glory, God, Grief, Healing, Loss, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexuality, Shame|

For us to break free from our unwanted compulsive behaviors, we must have the courage to delve deeper into our woundedness and explore what lies beneath it. We must begin to kindly yet decisively cut out the roots of our sexual acting out. To do this, we must first gain [...]

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If I Were an Abuser, What Church Would I Want to Attend?

By |2020-09-10T13:34:06+00:00March 9th, 2020|Addiction, Church, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, God, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Shame, Violence|

I am proud to feature the work of Dr. Nancy Murphy on my blog today. Dr. Murphy is a professor, Executive director of Northwest Family Life, and runs www.DVtraining.net to help educate churches in navigating issues of Domestic Violence. She has been my teacher and supervisor for the past 10 [...]

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I Deserve Sex: Addressing Entitlement Over Women’s Bodies

By |2020-02-19T19:18:56+00:00February 19th, 2020|Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality|

I hear it time and time again: “She won’t give me sex”, “She won’t give me what I deserve”, “What is wrong with my wife?” Even if these things aren’t said directly, they are often implied. Men feel they deserve sex on-demand from their wives, and that something is wrong [...]

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Breaking Down Stigmas & Sexism

By |2020-01-30T23:26:03+00:00January 29th, 2020|Death, Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Violence|

There are many stigmas that need to be broken in the Christian tradition. The stigma of divorce in the Christian community is a phenomenon where folks are, after much pain and heartache, retraumatized and relegated to a second-class-citizen type of Christian and branded as damaged goods, a failure, or both. [...]

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Pornography Saved Your Life By Matt Mulder

By |2020-01-09T18:01:20+00:00January 9th, 2020|Addiction, Forgiveness, Kindness, Masculinity, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame|

I am pleased to host a guest post today by therapist Matt Mulder. Until you can name the goodness of what your addiction gave/gives you, you cannot let go of its devastating cycles. I asked her when she first started looking at pornography. She looked up at me with a [...]

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Grieving a Lost Self

By |2019-12-04T16:53:03+00:00December 4th, 2019|Death, Death, Fatherlessness, Glory, God, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Marriage, Masculinity, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Sexuality, Shame|

I knew what had to be done; now I had to convince my body to carry out what my mind was telling me. It was about 9:00 p.m. when I reluctantly began gathering my belongings. I opened my pack and began filling it with my sleeping bag, a lighter, a [...]

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I Roll Back: A Poem for the Abused

By |2019-10-31T15:52:43+00:00October 31st, 2019|Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, Poetry, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Shame, Violence|

I am a bowling ball  heavy with holes,  unwilling to be used by you any longer.  You finger me at your will then Throw me away again and again,  and again.  I have become hard to survive; your grip is squeezing the life from me You toss me away, send [...]

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I Carry You With Me, Everywhere. 

By |2019-10-29T20:52:53+00:00October 29th, 2019|Addiction, Fatherlessness, Glory, Grief, Healing, Masculinity, Poetry, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Shame|

I carry you with me, everywhere.  The lines of my hands resemble yours.  The wrinkles beginning to form on my face bear a time when you used to smile. I see you in my crooked nose;  it looks a lot like your integrity. These types of recognitions stun me on [...]

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Hello, Good Penis: The Practice of Blessing Our Genitals

By |2019-09-10T19:18:59+00:00September 10th, 2019|Addiction, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, Masculinity, Pornography, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame|

Our genitals are good.  They were made for giving and receiving pleasure, new life, and experiencing radical divine joy.  Many times our sexual organs get a bad rap. Sometimes we feel they have betrayed us. This happens often in the context of sexual abuse. Many victims of sexual abuse experience [...]

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Face to Face with a Dying God: Engaging Beauty & Arousal

By |2019-08-27T18:18:44+00:00August 26th, 2019|Addiction, Anxiety, Domestic Violence, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Marriage, Masculinity, Pornography, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame|

 I was attending a professional training group to improve my therapeutic skills when I was brought face to face with deep, lingering fear and shame around my past treatment of women and idolatry of beauty.   One of the exercises we were asked to do was to pair up with another [...]

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Don’t Talk to me of God

By |2019-07-04T19:56:17+00:00July 4th, 2019|Church, Glory, Grief, Healing, Loss, Violence, Writings|

As I observe the state of our nation, I am increasingly concerned, especially with the state of the faith community at large. Many folks call the U.S. a Christian nation, and yet, in practice, we are anything but. While we increase our spending on military machines, we not only don’t [...]

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Where I Come From: My Racist Roots

By |2019-06-24T22:55:47+00:00June 24th, 2019|Death, Grief, Poetry, Racism, Shame, Violence|

“I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.” – James Baldwin   Put your fingers in your ears; you will still hear us.  Go ahead, run. Faster, boy; you [...]

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The Voice of Sons

By |2019-06-10T20:57:09+00:00June 10th, 2019|Anxiety, Calling, Fatherlessness, Forgiveness, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Masculinity, Poetry, Relationships, Shame|

We cry out for attachment through our excessive violence, our lack of school attendance, the amount of women we seduce, and few understand why we act out. In just three decades, the number of boys living without their biological fathers has doubled. Fifty percent of American children tonight will go [...]

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Let Addiction Reign: A Poem to My Father

By |2019-05-30T17:51:29+00:00May 30th, 2019|Addiction, Death, Fatherlessness, Grief, Loss, Masculinity, Poetry, Shame|

1 Addiction 2 Addictions 3 Addictions 4   Dad, can you be addicted to anything more?   5 Addictions 6 Addictions 7 Addictions 8   Damn Dad can’t you get numb yet?   9 Addictions 10 Addictions 11 Addictions 12   Will you ever stop hating yourself?   I am [...]

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Bringing Your Body Home: A Porn User’s Guide to Embodiment

By |2019-05-23T16:41:11+00:00May 23rd, 2019|Addiction, Healing, Masculinity, Pornography, Relationships, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame|

After a few years as a therapist, I realized that a strictly narrative-based approach towards counseling limited the depth of the work that I was able to do with my clients, especially those who were who struggling with unwanted sexual behaviors. I started training with a somatic therapist to step [...]

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Sexuality in the Extremes: Shame vs. Shamelessness

By |2019-04-11T19:54:06+00:00April 11th, 2019|Addiction, Healing, Masculinity, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame|

“Getting off is getting off, it doesn’t matter how,” he said with a smirk. “I mean, I’m not gay, I just like busting a nut and don’t care how it happens.” My client’s crude demeanor was no surprise, considering his unwavering narcissism and complete shamelessness. I listened as he described [...]

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Raising Children Who Aren’t Sexist

By |2020-04-29T14:51:12+00:00March 18th, 2019|Domestic Violence, Healing, Masculinity, Relationships, Sexism|

As I've become aware of the complexities of sexism, I see the world much differently than I did before. I am beginning to look for ways to raise my children to not “drink the kool-aid” of sexism that is so ingrained in American society, especially in evangelical culture. Recently, my [...]

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