On Weaponizing Forgiveness

By |2023-11-02T14:32:14+00:00November 2nd, 2023|Church, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Marriage, patriarchy, Relationships, women|

Illustration by Raquel Aparicio A common abusive tactic that can be used by those in positions of spiritual authority is what I call, “weaponizing forgiveness”. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, that can be vital to your own healing and liberation, yet it must be understood more fully, rather than used [...]

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A Reflection on Father’s Day

By |2023-06-19T14:26:36+00:00June 19th, 2023|Death, Death, Fatherlessness, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Masculinity, Relationships|

Father's Day is such a strange day for me. A day full of hope for the future, contentment for the present, and grief for the past. I don't think my desire to be fathered will ever fully go away. I both hate that and have come to love it, as [...]

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Practicing Full Consent

By |2022-10-30T02:49:53+00:00October 30th, 2022|Addiction, Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Violence, women|

I remember when I was living fully into my compulsive sexual behaviors of pornography, fantasy, and masturbation, my brain always seeking its next high. Scanning rooms for cleavage, legs, butts, anything I could take and devour. Literally, not thinking about anyone else but me and my pleasure. The theme of [...]

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Action as the Repair of an Apology

By |2021-09-09T02:55:57+00:00September 9th, 2021|Church, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships|

“I am sorry.” “I am SO sorry.” “SORRY!” “No, listen, I am REALLY, REALLY sorry.” “Forgive me?” “My bad.” “My apologies.” When these attempts at an apology don’t get through to the partner we have harmed many times we try self-contempt. “Okay, I suck.” “I am such an idiot.” As [...]

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What Happens When My Abusive Husband Gets Healthy?

By |2021-01-29T15:04:04+00:00January 29th, 2021|Church, Death, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Violence|

It’s rare, but it happens. Abusive men can heal. But by rare, I mean the data is abysmal. Becoming safe and doing the work of healing only happens among roughly 1 in 10 abusive men.  Your abusive husband can heal when, and only when, he fully faces the depth of [...]

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How to Honor Your Mother & Father as You Heal

By |2020-08-15T16:24:01+00:00August 15th, 2020|Fatherlessness, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Relationships|

One question that comes up often during the healing journey is, how do I honor my mother and father? Telling the truth of one's family of origin is vital to understanding the truth of one’s own life. To begin to live differently, we must first see clearly.   Why does [...]

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If I Were an Abuser, What Church Would I Want to Attend?

By |2022-08-07T10:33:34+00:00March 9th, 2020|Addiction, Church, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, God, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Shame, Violence|

I am proud to feature the work of Dr. Nancy Murphy on my blog today. Dr. Murphy is a professor, former Executive director of Northwest Family Life, and created Speaking Up online course to help educate churches in navigating issues of Domestic Violence. She has been my teacher and supervisor [...]

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Seeing My Dad’s Body

By |2020-03-03T20:24:37+00:00March 3rd, 2020|Addiction, Death, Fatherlessness, Forgiveness, Glory, Grief, Healing, Shame, Uncategorized|

The hot Clearwater, Florida sun demanded that we turn up the AC in the rental car on our way to the funeral home. As Christy and I drove up to the faded yellowish-white brick building, I felt the familiar tension of grief deep in my body. I knew this feeling, [...]

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Pornography Saved Your Life By Matt Mulder

By |2020-01-09T18:01:20+00:00January 9th, 2020|Addiction, Forgiveness, Kindness, Masculinity, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame|

I am pleased to host a guest post today by therapist Matt Mulder. Until you can name the goodness of what your addiction gave/gives you, you cannot let go of its devastating cycles. I asked her when she first started looking at pornography. She looked up at me with a [...]

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The Savior & The Goat: A Relational Theory

By |2022-04-02T00:52:48+00:00September 3rd, 2019|Forgiveness, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, Relationships, Shame|

A common theme in marriage is a relational dynamic I call “the Savior & the Goat”. Typical Saviors and Goats are initially attracted to each other because of function; each person serves an unconscious role of utility and psychological soothing. For example, if I have a high level of self-contempt [...]

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Eulogy for Marriage: Honoring Life & Death

By |2019-08-21T16:21:58+00:00August 15th, 2019|Death, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, Kindness, Loss, Marriage, Shame|

  Some of the most committed Christians I know have suffered the heartbreak of a divorce. Each story is different, each heartache unique. Some are the result of infidelity and betrayal or covert abuse. Other times, contempt extends so deeply over the years that the other begins to look more [...]

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The Voice of Sons

By |2019-06-10T20:57:09+00:00June 10th, 2019|Anxiety, Calling, Fatherlessness, Forgiveness, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Masculinity, Poetry, Relationships, Shame|

We cry out for attachment through our excessive violence, our lack of school attendance, the amount of women we seduce, and few understand why we act out. In just three decades, the number of boys living without their biological fathers has doubled. Fifty percent of American children tonight will go [...]

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A Letter to Your Parents: Reclaiming a Lost Voice

By |2019-09-03T14:55:56+00:00June 6th, 2019|Addiction, Fatherlessness, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Pornography, Relationships|

    One exercise I do often with clients is have them begin to tell the truth to their parents. This is not an attempt to blame their parents for all their current problems, but rather to reclaim a lost voice. We often relate to our parents the same way [...]

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Parable of the Self-Sufficient and the Broken

By |2019-02-13T23:23:18+00:00February 13th, 2019|Forgiveness, Glory, Grief, Healing, Shame|

A Therapeutic Rendition of Luke 18:9-14: 9 Then Jesus told this story to some who had great confidence in their own piety and scorned everyone else: 10 “Two men wanted to please God. One was self-sufficient, and the other was a broken man who needed help. 11 The self-sufficient man [...]

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I Repent: A Poem to my Non-Christian friends

By |2018-11-15T17:21:48+00:00November 15th, 2018|Forgiveness, Healing, Kindness, Poetry, Violence|

  Today I am coming out of the closet. No, I am not gay; I am a Christian. Now, be honest with yourself. When you hear me say those words, what comes to your mind?   Take a moment and listen to those inner voices.   Am I immediately anti-gay, [...]

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Caring for Our Internal Orphan

By |2017-10-29T18:21:12+00:00October 29th, 2017|Anxiety, Death, Forgiveness, Glory, Grief, Healing, Masculinity|

Pictures tell stories, both told and untold. This photo tells thousands. There are years I go without looking into its glory, but it always whispers back for my return. At times it is just too painful to peer into. Though nearly 30 years have passed since it was taken, there [...]

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