The Minimization of Pornography

By |2022-11-11T00:24:57+00:00November 10th, 2022|Domestic Violence, Healing, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Uncategorized, Violence, women|

“I have been in sin and need prayer” or “I have a problem with lust” are common confessions within the church context. Those with a bit more courage will at least admit that they are struggling with pornography or wandering thoughts about females. But even that has become so normative [...]

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Practicing Full Consent

By |2022-10-30T02:49:53+00:00October 30th, 2022|Addiction, Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Violence, women|

I remember when I was living fully into my compulsive sexual behaviors of pornography, fantasy, and masturbation, my brain always seeking its next high. Scanning rooms for cleavage, legs, butts, anything I could take and devour. Literally, not thinking about anyone else but me and my pleasure. The theme of [...]

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I Caught my Teen Son Using Porn, What Do I Do?

By |2022-10-07T15:35:54+00:00October 7th, 2022|Addiction, Fatherlessness, Healing, Masculinity, Pornography, Reader's Ask, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, women|

A common question I get asked weekly is, “What do I do—I caught my teenage son looking at porn?” I intend to write the book, The Sexually Healthy Teen, but until then, let’s talk about some helpful categories to engage your teen after porn exposure.  First, make sure your own [...]

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Watching My Mother Die

By |2022-08-29T14:00:02+00:00August 29th, 2022|Death, Glory, God, Grief, Relationships, Writings|

Watching my mom die in such a gruesome way has been agonizing. You see, it’s not your typical tragic ending. It’s not like the horrific cancer that stole my sister-in-law Julie so quickly, or the unknown reason my father passed away after routine outpatient surgery, or the haunting suicide which [...]

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Dangerous Grace: Having Boundaries Against Spiritual Manipulation

By |2022-09-28T17:19:58+00:00July 14th, 2022|Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence, Healing, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Sexism, Violence, women|

Grace is the foundation of our Christian faith. Jesus giving his sinless life in place of our own is what the good news is all about. But what happens when grace is used inappropriately, used as a form of manipulation to push victims of abuse and/or betrayal to “show grace” [...]

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No, Sorry, You’re Not a Virgin: Untangling Porn & Purity 

By |2022-05-13T13:00:24+00:00May 13th, 2022|Addiction, Domestic Violence, God, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, women|

The purity movement of the 90s created some odd sexual behaviors that we are still seeing play out 30 years later as those adolescents have become married adults attempting to have healthy sexual relationships. One of those sexual outcomes is that men (and many women) are proud that they “waited” [...]

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A Prayer for the Abused Woman

By |2022-01-24T15:25:04+00:00January 24th, 2022|Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Violence|

Dear God,  Sustainer of life, redeemer of what is broken.  I need you. I need you to be close by, my heart and body are weary.  Exhausted from the pain of my partner's projections onto me. His insecurities, his unfair judgments, entitlement, and lack of healing his own [...]

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Abuse is War: Understanding Our Wife in Her Recovery

By |2021-11-18T19:32:27+00:00November 17th, 2021|Addiction, Death, Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence, Glory, Grief, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Violence, women|

General William Sherman once said, “War is Hell” and I completely agree. I would also say abuse is war, just a different type. The hell that a woman bears by living with an insecure, defensive, and reactive husband can leave her with PTSD similar to that of a veteran returning [...]

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Egalitarianism vs. Complementarianism: What about Submission?

By |2021-12-26T03:20:37+00:00November 10th, 2021|Church, Domestic Violence, God, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, women|

Though the words egalitarian and complementarian never appear in the Bible, the ideals espoused in both theologies have resulted in frequent debate among evangelicals (Giles, 2020). The debate centers around a difference of interpretation of the biblical text regarding gender roles and submission (Roat, 2019). “In many ways, the debate [...]

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Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage

By |2021-11-11T04:41:18+00:00October 20th, 2021|Church, Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Uncategorized, Violence|

I am proud to be writing this article in partnership with Taylor May, a survivor of emotional and spiritual abuse. She has boldly shared her own story about what it was like to be married to someone who had a Pornographic Style of Relating, (PSR) and what it felt like [...]

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Redeeming Power: Reclaiming Authentic Masculinity

By |2021-09-09T18:05:13+00:00September 9th, 2021|Death, Domestic Violence, Fatherlessness, Glory, God, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Violence|

The answer to becoming a safe and good man is not becoming weaker (humble, yes—weak, no); it's about becoming more powerful (not aggressive). However, stepping into authentic masculine power can seem like an oxymoron that conjures up images of the Marlboro man, or thoughts of violence, homophobia, misogyny, money, and [...]

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Action as the Repair of an Apology

By |2021-09-09T02:55:57+00:00September 9th, 2021|Church, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships|

“I am sorry.” “I am SO sorry.” “SORRY!” “No, listen, I am REALLY, REALLY sorry.” “Forgive me?” “My bad.” “My apologies.” When these attempts at an apology don’t get through to the partner we have harmed many times we try self-contempt. “Okay, I suck.” “I am such an idiot.” As [...]

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Am I an Abuser? A Self-Assessment

By |2021-07-21T03:09:28+00:00July 20th, 2021|Addiction, Church, Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Violence|

One of the most difficult parts of this healing process of becoming a good and safe man is owning the fact that you have been abusive. So does that make you an abuser?  Of course, it does. Yet, there is such stigma and shame around that word, it is difficult [...]

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“You are an abuser!” “No, you are the abuser!”

By |2021-07-03T01:45:33+00:00June 18th, 2021|Domestic Violence, Fatherlessness, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Violence|

It's rare for an abusive man somewhere on the spectrum of an abuser not to claim that his wife is just as abusive or is also an abuser. I hear it all the time. “But, Andrew, sure I abused her that one time, but she has done…” The list of their [...]

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The Spectrum of an Abuser

By |2021-05-04T00:53:40+00:00May 4th, 2021|Addiction, Domestic Violence, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Violence|

It’s important to note this article's intent is not to be used to justify abusive behavior but to more clearly define it. If you are a woman in an unsafe situation, get safe, immediately.     I have been working with abusive men in my private counseling practice for ten [...]

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The Good & Safe Man

By |2021-04-26T17:39:53+00:00April 26th, 2021|Domestic Violence, Fatherlessness, Glory, Healing, Masculinity, Relationships, Sexism, Shame, Uncategorized|

  Many women long for good and safe men in their lives. Sadly, they are rare, so much so that my wife keeps a list in her top drawer to remind herself that they even exist. Women need more good men. But men also need more good men. We long [...]

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What Happens When My Abusive Husband Gets Healthy?

By |2021-01-29T15:04:04+00:00January 29th, 2021|Church, Death, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Violence|

It’s rare, but it happens. Abusive men can heal. But by rare, I mean the data is abysmal. Becoming safe and doing the work of healing only happens among roughly 1 in 10 abusive men.  Your abusive husband can heal when, and only when, he fully faces the depth of [...]

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Now You See Me, Now You Don’t: Recognizing Our Partner’s Invisible Work

By |2021-03-20T11:49:09+00:00December 14th, 2020|Domestic Violence, Glory, Kindness, Marriage, Relationships, Sexism|

Merely being a living, breathing human in this gloriously fallen world is a task in itself. Yet throwing in living in partnership, both people attempting to authentically with full desire even more daunting. Marriage is grueling, at times feels like an impossible invitation to the heights of Heaven and the [...]

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Trigger Happy: Navigating Trauma Triggers in Relationships

By |2020-11-24T21:27:12+00:00November 24th, 2020|Healing, Marriage, Relationships|

At our counseling center, we deal regularly with trauma triggers in relationships. Relationship coach Kyle Benson defines a trigger as  “an issue that is sensitive to our heart—typically something from our childhood or a previous relationship.” Another way I like to define this concept is as a trauma response. Many [...]

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Why We Love Narcissists and What to Do About It

By |2020-11-13T01:38:39+00:00November 12th, 2020|Domestic Violence, Fatherlessness, Healing, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Shame, Violence|

We love a good narcissist. Like flies drawn to the organic matter within feces, we hover close to a narcissist to try to catch some of what they seem to have, but what they actually offer us is clearly already decaying waste to those who are not the flies. Crude [...]

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