Men’s recovery groups matter. They give men a space to practice honesty, connection, and vulnerability — a place where deep shame and sorrow can finally be spoken aloud. As a therapist on the frontlines of men’s work for the past 15 years, I’ve seen how vital these circles can be. [...]
“Well, I don’t want to be just like Jesus because he is dead,” my 5-year-old son blurted out one morning on the way to school. His deadpan delivery startled me. My theological brain wanted to jump in about resurrection and eternal life, but he had named something profound: We want [...]
For many men, intimacy comes in only two flavors: sexual conquest or violent confrontation. We have been socialized, almost from birth, to face another man eye-to-eye only when we’re about to fight—or when we’re competing for dominance. The only time in our society where it is socially acceptable to [...]
“In the one-up, one-down world of men, there’s no place for 'same as,' and hence no platform for real intimacy. You’re either a winner or loser: dominator or dominated, grandiose or shame-filled. And you can’t be truly intimate from either the one-down (shame-filled) or the one-up (grandiose) position.” - [...]
Greg was a famous pastor, young and charismatic, a popular Christian author, and an influencer in my evangelical circles. Though I didn’t know him personally, I had heard his name often and appreciated his passionate work from afar. So, I was pleasantly surprised when I saw his name in our [...]
In the early 80s, Therapist Pia Mellody created a helpful model to help understand trauma and treat the issues that came from it. She called this model the “Developmental Model of Immaturity.” Fast forward another decade or so, therapist and author Terry Real developed Relational Life Therapy (RLT), built on [...]
What were the messages you received about being a man growing up? These are some of the common misconceptions about masculinity we were taught as children. These messages came from our parents, our schools, our churches, and society as a whole. They shaped our view of ourselves without us even [...]
Sheila Gregoire recently posted this question on her social media, “ A guy is getting out of the Every Man's Battle mentality and truly trying to put porn & lust behind him. He's doing the work. He's seeing a counselor.The problem is that he still battles with lustful thoughts when [...]
It is vital, especially in the historical segregation of genders within Christian communities, to address and heal our gendered wounds, full-faced and fully storied. I will unpack what I mean by that. Growing up in the bible-belt at the height of the purity culture of the 90s, I was taught [...]
Let me be candid with you, many men who say they're on this journey of transformation and change are, well, frankly, full of ofσκύβαλα aka skubala (this is the Greek word for shit, dung, fecal matter, decayed waste made famous by the Apostle Paul which he used in his [...]
Illustration by Raquel Aparicio A common abusive tactic that can be used by those in positions of spiritual authority is what I call, “weaponizing forgiveness”. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, that can be vital to your own healing and liberation, yet it must be understood more fully, rather than used [...]
Father's Day is such a strange day for me. A day full of hope for the future, contentment for the present, and grief for the past. I don't think my desire to be fathered will ever fully go away. I both hate that and have come to love it, as [...]
I am honored to feature my wife, Dr. Christy Bauman, and her essay below. You can find her work https://christybauman.com/ and www.ChristianCC.org and follow her on Instagram. My story is that I grew up with a father who is a sex addict. While he never touched me, his sexual unhealthiness [...]
A kind of second childhood falls on so many men. —John Steinbeck This quote from Steinbeck makes so much sense to me. As I walk alongside men in recovery from deceptive sexuality and abuse this second childhood is very real. Many grown men from their 20s through 80s walk [...]
One way to retraumatize and groom a victim of abuse is the promotion of the “marriage, no matter what” ideology which is common for women coming out of Christian abuse-affirming churches. The damaging “marriage, no matter what” ideology is a salvation fantasy and a form of idolatry that must be [...]
Have you ever heard the story of how traditional pearl divers dive for pearls? Mark Nepo shares in his book, The Book of Awakening, this powerful metaphor on relationships. Pearl divers dive in pairs, without oxygen tanks, and they need each other to have a successful dive. While he dives [...]
I don’t like that word—victory. It seems to communicate such finality, a destination rather than the bloody journey it takes to relearn how to relate non-pornographicly to the world. I have been sober for nearly 15 years now and still don’t feel victorious, much as I do, a survivor. I [...]
“I have been in sin and need prayer” or “I have a problem with lust” are common confessions within the church context. Those with a bit more courage will at least admit that they are struggling with pornography or wandering thoughts about females. But even that has become so normative [...]
I remember when I was living fully into my compulsive sexual behaviors of pornography, fantasy, and masturbation, my brain always seeking its next high. Scanning rooms for cleavage, legs, butts, anything I could take and devour. Literally, not thinking about anyone else but me and my pleasure. The theme of [...]
A common question I get asked weekly is, “What do I do—I caught my teenage son looking at porn?” I intend to write the book, The Sexually Healthy Teen, but until then, let’s talk about some helpful categories to engage your teen after porn exposure. First, make sure your own [...]
