On Weaponizing Forgiveness

By |2023-11-02T14:32:14+00:00November 2nd, 2023|Church, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Marriage, patriarchy, Relationships, women|

Illustration by Raquel Aparicio A common abusive tactic that can be used by those in positions of spiritual authority is what I call, “weaponizing forgiveness”. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, that can be vital to your own healing and liberation, yet it must be understood more fully, rather than used [...]

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Victory From Porn: It’s Not What You Think

By |2022-12-17T16:17:35+00:00December 17th, 2022|Addiction, Church, Marriage, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexuality, Shame|

I don’t like that word—victory. It seems to communicate such finality, a destination rather than the bloody journey it takes to relearn how to relate non-pornographicly to the world. I have been sober for nearly 15 years now and still don’t feel victorious, much as I do, a survivor. I [...]

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Abuse in the Protestant Church

By |2022-12-14T12:51:46+00:00December 14th, 2022|Church, Domestic Violence, God, Healing, Loss, Sexism, Sexual Abuse|

Abuse in the Protestant Church is a serious concern that has caused immense pain and suffering for so many, especially women. I have spent the last year of my life listening to women’s stories for my dissertation and my newest book project called, The Elephant in the Church: What Women [...]

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Egalitarianism vs. Complementarianism: What about Submission?

By |2021-12-26T03:20:37+00:00November 10th, 2021|Church, Domestic Violence, God, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, women|

Though the words egalitarian and complementarian never appear in the Bible, the ideals espoused in both theologies have resulted in frequent debate among evangelicals (Giles, 2020). The debate centers around a difference of interpretation of the biblical text regarding gender roles and submission (Roat, 2019). “In many ways, the debate [...]

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Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage

By |2021-11-11T04:41:18+00:00October 20th, 2021|Church, Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Uncategorized, Violence|

I am proud to be writing this article in partnership with Taylor May, a survivor of emotional and spiritual abuse. She has boldly shared her own story about what it was like to be married to someone who had a Pornographic Style of Relating, (PSR) and what it felt like [...]

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Action as the Repair of an Apology

By |2021-09-09T02:55:57+00:00September 9th, 2021|Church, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships|

“I am sorry.” “I am SO sorry.” “SORRY!” “No, listen, I am REALLY, REALLY sorry.” “Forgive me?” “My bad.” “My apologies.” When these attempts at an apology don’t get through to the partner we have harmed many times we try self-contempt. “Okay, I suck.” “I am such an idiot.” As [...]

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Am I an Abuser? A Self-Assessment

By |2021-07-21T03:09:28+00:00July 20th, 2021|Addiction, Church, Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Violence|

One of the most difficult parts of this healing process of becoming a good and safe man is owning the fact that you have been abusive. So does that make you an abuser?  Of course, it does. Yet, there is such stigma and shame around that word, it is difficult [...]

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Scripture & Abuse

By |2021-05-10T15:29:15+00:00May 10th, 2021|Church, Domestic Violence, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Violence, women|

*Trigger Warning for those women who have been spiritually abused I am convinced scripture is meant to be a scalpel that facilitates healing and leads us into the painful holy act of repentance and transformation. Yet often scripture can resemble a crowbar. Looking to pound, shame, and control those who [...]

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What Happens When My Abusive Husband Gets Healthy?

By |2021-01-29T15:04:04+00:00January 29th, 2021|Church, Death, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Violence|

It’s rare, but it happens. Abusive men can heal. But by rare, I mean the data is abysmal. Becoming safe and doing the work of healing only happens among roughly 1 in 10 abusive men.  Your abusive husband can heal when, and only when, he fully faces the depth of [...]

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If I Were an Abuser, What Church Would I Want to Attend?

By |2022-08-07T10:33:34+00:00March 9th, 2020|Addiction, Church, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, God, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Shame, Violence|

I am proud to feature the work of Dr. Nancy Murphy on my blog today. Dr. Murphy is a professor, former Executive director of Northwest Family Life, and created Speaking Up online course to help educate churches in navigating issues of Domestic Violence. She has been my teacher and supervisor [...]

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Don’t Talk to me of God

By |2019-07-04T19:56:17+00:00July 4th, 2019|Church, Glory, Grief, Healing, Loss, Violence, Writings|

As I observe the state of our nation, I am increasingly concerned, especially with the state of the faith community at large. Many folks call the U.S. a Christian nation, and yet, in practice, we are anything but. While we increase our spending on military machines, we not only don’t [...]

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My Testimony is Better Than Yours

By |2019-09-09T16:28:39+00:00July 3rd, 2019|Calling, Church, Death, Glory, Healing, Kindness, Relationships, Shame|

We Christians love a good story. We know that stories are powerful, and sometimes we get caught up in the craving for that power.  I've told my life's story hundreds of times. In fact, when I was a pastor, I was applauded time and time again for the “power” of [...]

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