Healing But Not Feeling: Men’s Commitment to Faux-Transformation

By |2024-06-12T02:17:22+00:00June 11th, 2024|Death, Glory, Grief, Healing, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Sexism, Shame|

  Let me be candid with you, many men who say they're on this journey of transformation and change are, well, frankly, full of ofσκύβαλα aka skubala (this is the Greek word for shit, dung, fecal matter, decayed waste made famous by the Apostle Paul which he used in his [...]

Exploring Men’s Hatred of Women

By |2024-05-16T03:29:35+00:00May 16th, 2024|Domestic Violence, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Sexism, Violence, women|

“It is far more difficult to murder a phantom than a reality.”  - Virginia Woolf If you have been using pornography and fantasy for any length of time, it has seeped into your brain (Pornographic Mindset) and into your very being (Pornographic Style of Relating). Since you have used porn [...]

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Is it Trauma, or is it Choice? Navigating My Partner’s Deceptive Sexual Recovery

By |2024-04-20T13:26:50+00:00April 20th, 2024|Domestic Violence, Healing, Masculinity, Pornography, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Violence, women|

There is an ongoing debate within the subculture of sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma circles that I would like to address. Is my husband’s betrayal of me a choice, or is it because of his unaddressed wounds and trauma? Indeed, there are lines drawn in the sand here; sides [...]

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Our Second Childhood

By |2023-02-20T21:40:17+00:00February 20th, 2023|Domestic Violence, Fatherlessness, Healing, Kindness, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships|

A kind of second childhood falls on so many men. —John Steinbeck   This quote from Steinbeck makes so much sense to me. As I walk alongside men in recovery from deceptive sexuality and abuse this second childhood is very real. Many grown men from their 20s through 80s walk [...]

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Marriage, No Matter What!? An Ideology of Idolatry

By |2023-01-13T19:35:12+00:00January 13th, 2023|Addiction, Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence, God, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Marriage, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, women|

One way to retraumatize and groom a victim of abuse is the promotion of the “marriage, no matter what” ideology which is common for women coming out of Christian abuse-affirming churches. The damaging “marriage, no matter what” ideology is a salvation fantasy and a form of idolatry that must be [...]

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Victory From Porn: It’s Not What You Think

By |2022-12-17T16:17:35+00:00December 17th, 2022|Addiction, Church, Marriage, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexuality, Shame|

I don’t like that word—victory. It seems to communicate such finality, a destination rather than the bloody journey it takes to relearn how to relate non-pornographicly to the world. I have been sober for nearly 15 years now and still don’t feel victorious, much as I do, a survivor. I [...]

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What If My Penis Could Talk?

By |2022-11-18T20:48:12+00:00November 18th, 2022|Glory, Healing, Masculinity, patriarchy, Poetry, Pornography, Self-Contempt, Sexuality, Shame|

During my 13-year addiction to pornography and 20-year addiction to the objectification of women, I am wondering what my penis would have said if it had a voice? Strange, as it may sound, each of our body parts has a story to tell. Will you listen? Will you listen to [...]

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The Minimization of Pornography

By |2022-11-11T00:24:57+00:00November 10th, 2022|Domestic Violence, Healing, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Uncategorized, Violence, women|

“I have been in sin and need prayer” or “I have a problem with lust” are common confessions within the church context. Those with a bit more courage will at least admit that they are struggling with pornography or wandering thoughts about females. But even that has become so normative [...]

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Practicing Full Consent

By |2022-10-30T02:49:53+00:00October 30th, 2022|Addiction, Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Violence, women|

I remember when I was living fully into my compulsive sexual behaviors of pornography, fantasy, and masturbation, my brain always seeking its next high. Scanning rooms for cleavage, legs, butts, anything I could take and devour. Literally, not thinking about anyone else but me and my pleasure. The theme of [...]

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I Caught my Teen Son Using Porn, What Do I Do?

By |2022-10-07T15:35:54+00:00October 7th, 2022|Addiction, Fatherlessness, Healing, Masculinity, Pornography, Reader's Ask, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, women|

A common question I get asked weekly is, “What do I do—I caught my teenage son looking at porn?” I intend to write the book, The Sexually Healthy Teen, but until then, let’s talk about some helpful categories to engage your teen after porn exposure.  First, make sure your own [...]

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No, Sorry, You’re Not a Virgin: Untangling Porn & Purity 

By |2022-05-13T13:00:24+00:00May 13th, 2022|Addiction, Domestic Violence, God, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, women|

The purity movement of the 90s created some odd sexual behaviors that we are still seeing play out 30 years later as those adolescents have become married adults attempting to have healthy sexual relationships. One of those sexual outcomes is that men (and many women) are proud that they “waited” [...]

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Fantasy Roots: Exploring Our Patterns of Escape

By |2021-09-06T18:48:56+00:00September 6th, 2021|Addiction, Domestic Violence, Healing, Kindness, Masculinity, Pornography, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, women|

Fantasy is an effective tool of escape. It soothes wounds and calms the anxious heart. Yet, this commitment to escapism leads to a cowardice in facing our most wounded places and takes a serious toll on how we live and relate. Engagement with fantasy teaches us that relief is more [...]

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The Spectrum of an Abuser

By |2021-05-04T00:53:40+00:00May 4th, 2021|Addiction, Domestic Violence, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Violence|

It’s important to note this article's intent is not to be used to justify abusive behavior but to more clearly define it. If you are a woman in an unsafe situation, get safe, immediately.     I have been working with abusive men in my private counseling practice for ten [...]

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The Idolatry of Shame: Engaging the Full Spectrum of Shame

By |2021-03-27T17:29:18+00:00March 27th, 2021|Pornography, Shame|

Just as there is an idolatry of sex, I have seen a new idolatry arising—the idolatry of shame. Let me explain.  There seems to be an entire group of folks who are quite zealous to call out when they perceive you are “shaming” someone and/or eliciting shame by something you [...]

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The Good Wife’s Guide

By |2021-03-27T00:33:59+00:00March 26th, 2021|Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Violence|

In 1955, Housekeeping Monthly published an article called, "The Good Wife's Guide," telling wive’s how to be a “good wife” to their husbands. This is the social norm that laid a foundation that our parents were born into and still permeates in the patriarchal, misogynistic air that we breathe. [...]

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Pornography Accountability Software: Yes or No?

By |2020-09-09T21:29:14+00:00September 9th, 2020|patriarchy, Addiction, Healing, Loss, Marriage, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame|

  It's a question I hear often in the work I do with men recovering from unwanted sexual behaviors: “Is accountability software helpful or effective?” My answer, like most of the advice given in this field, is a nuanced one; yes it is, and no it isn’t. Let me explain.  [...]

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Male Embodiment

By |2020-09-09T16:35:15+00:00September 6th, 2020|Masculinity, Glory, Healing, patriarchy, Pornography, Sexism, Shame, Wildness|

I am realizing that men are innately disconnected from their own bodies in a way that is unique to their maleness. (I am clearly not saying all women are connected to their bodies, clearly, and trauma warps all bodily connection.) But girls grow into womanhood with their monthly cycles literally [...]

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WAP: A Celebration of Female Sexuality or An Internalization of Male Supremacy? 

By |2020-09-02T17:57:56+00:00September 2nd, 2020|Domestic Violence, Addiction, Grief, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Violence|

  *trigger warning: Degrading language, graphic sexual abuse described    Patriarchy’s influence on popular culture has made objectification and violence against women normative. We are so accustomed to violence against women, we don’t even react to it anymore. Songs I grew up listening to, for example, “O.P.P." by Naughty By [...]

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Sexualizing Sorrow: How Trauma Informs Our Sexual Brokenness

By |2020-12-07T18:46:34+00:00March 11th, 2020|Addiction, Glory, God, Grief, Healing, Loss, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexuality, Shame|

This is an excerpt from my book, The Sexually Healthy Man For us to break free from our unwanted compulsive behaviors, we must have the courage to delve deeper into our woundedness and explore what lies beneath it. We must begin to kindly yet decisively cut out the roots of [...]

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Breaking Down Stigmas & Sexism

By |2020-01-30T23:26:03+00:00January 29th, 2020|Death, Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Violence|

There are many stigmas that need to be broken in the Christian tradition. The stigma of divorce in the Christian community is a phenomenon where folks are, after much pain and heartache, retraumatized and relegated to a second-class-citizen type of Christian and branded as damaged goods, a failure, or both. [...]

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