On Weaponizing Forgiveness

By |2023-11-02T14:32:14+00:00November 2nd, 2023|Church, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Marriage, patriarchy, Relationships, women|

Illustration by Raquel Aparicio A common abusive tactic that can be used by those in positions of spiritual authority is what I call, “weaponizing forgiveness”. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, that can be vital to your own healing and liberation, yet it must be understood more fully, rather than used [...]

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The Plight of Male Disembodiment 

By |2023-05-26T12:51:26+00:00May 26th, 2023|Domestic Violence, God, Kindness, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Shame, Violence, women|

I am honored to feature my wife, Dr. Christy Bauman, and her essay below. You can find her work https://christybauman.com/ and www.ChristianCC.org and follow her on Instagram.  My story is that I grew up with a father who is a sex addict. While he never touched me, his sexual unhealthiness [...]

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Our Second Childhood

By |2023-02-20T21:40:17+00:00February 20th, 2023|Domestic Violence, Fatherlessness, Healing, Kindness, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships|

A kind of second childhood falls on so many men. —John Steinbeck   This quote from Steinbeck makes so much sense to me. As I walk alongside men in recovery from deceptive sexuality and abuse this second childhood is very real. Many grown men from their 20s through 80s walk [...]

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Marriage, No Matter What!? An Ideology of Idolatry

By |2023-01-13T19:35:12+00:00January 13th, 2023|Addiction, Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence, God, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Marriage, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, women|

One way to retraumatize and groom a victim of abuse is the promotion of the “marriage, no matter what” ideology which is common for women coming out of Christian abuse-affirming churches. The damaging “marriage, no matter what” ideology is a salvation fantasy and a form of idolatry that must be [...]

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Victory From Porn: It’s Not What You Think

By |2022-12-17T16:17:35+00:00December 17th, 2022|Addiction, Church, Marriage, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexuality, Shame|

I don’t like that word—victory. It seems to communicate such finality, a destination rather than the bloody journey it takes to relearn how to relate non-pornographicly to the world. I have been sober for nearly 15 years now and still don’t feel victorious, much as I do, a survivor. I [...]

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What If My Penis Could Talk?

By |2022-11-18T20:48:12+00:00November 18th, 2022|Glory, Healing, Masculinity, patriarchy, Poetry, Pornography, Self-Contempt, Sexuality, Shame|

During my 13-year addiction to pornography and 20-year addiction to the objectification of women, I am wondering what my penis would have said if it had a voice? Strange, as it may sound, each of our body parts has a story to tell. Will you listen? Will you listen to [...]

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The Minimization of Pornography

By |2022-11-11T00:24:57+00:00November 10th, 2022|Domestic Violence, Healing, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Uncategorized, Violence, women|

“I have been in sin and need prayer” or “I have a problem with lust” are common confessions within the church context. Those with a bit more courage will at least admit that they are struggling with pornography or wandering thoughts about females. But even that has become so normative [...]

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Practicing Full Consent

By |2022-10-30T02:49:53+00:00October 30th, 2022|Addiction, Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Violence, women|

I remember when I was living fully into my compulsive sexual behaviors of pornography, fantasy, and masturbation, my brain always seeking its next high. Scanning rooms for cleavage, legs, butts, anything I could take and devour. Literally, not thinking about anyone else but me and my pleasure. The theme of [...]

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Dangerous Grace: Having Boundaries Against Spiritual Manipulation

By |2022-09-28T17:19:58+00:00July 14th, 2022|Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence, Healing, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Sexism, Violence, women|

Grace is the foundation of our Christian faith. Jesus giving his sinless life in place of our own is what the good news is all about. But what happens when grace is used inappropriately, used as a form of manipulation to push victims of abuse and/or betrayal to “show grace” [...]

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No, Sorry, You’re Not a Virgin: Untangling Porn & Purity 

By |2022-05-13T13:00:24+00:00May 13th, 2022|Addiction, Domestic Violence, God, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, women|

The purity movement of the 90s created some odd sexual behaviors that we are still seeing play out 30 years later as those adolescents have become married adults attempting to have healthy sexual relationships. One of those sexual outcomes is that men (and many women) are proud that they “waited” [...]

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A Prayer for the Abused Woman

By |2022-01-24T15:25:04+00:00January 24th, 2022|Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Violence|

Dear God,  Sustainer of life, redeemer of what is broken.  I need you. I need you to be close by, my heart and body are weary.  Exhausted from the pain of my partner's projections onto me. His insecurities, his unfair judgments, entitlement, and lack of healing his own [...]

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Abuse is War: Understanding Our Wife in Her Recovery

By |2023-01-20T19:02:58+00:00November 17th, 2021|Addiction, Death, Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence, Glory, Grief, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Violence, women|

General William Sherman once said, “War is Hell” and I completely agree. I would also say abuse is war, just a different type. The hell that a woman bears by living with an insecure, defensive, and reactive husband can leave her with PTSD similar to that of a veteran returning [...]

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Egalitarianism vs. Complementarianism: What about Submission?

By |2021-12-26T03:20:37+00:00November 10th, 2021|Church, Domestic Violence, God, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, women|

Though the words egalitarian and complementarian never appear in the Bible, the ideals espoused in both theologies have resulted in frequent debate among evangelicals (Giles, 2020). The debate centers around a difference of interpretation of the biblical text regarding gender roles and submission (Roat, 2019). “In many ways, the debate [...]

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Christlike or Pornlike?  A Christian Woman’s Role in Marriage

By |2021-11-11T04:41:18+00:00October 20th, 2021|Church, Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Uncategorized, Violence|

I am proud to be writing this article in partnership with Taylor May, a survivor of emotional and spiritual abuse. She has boldly shared her own story about what it was like to be married to someone who had a Pornographic Style of Relating, (PSR) and what it felt like [...]

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Redeeming Power: Reclaiming Authentic Masculinity

By |2021-09-09T18:05:13+00:00September 9th, 2021|Death, Domestic Violence, Fatherlessness, Glory, God, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Violence|

The answer to becoming a safe and good man is not becoming weaker (humble, yes—weak, no); it's about becoming more powerful (not aggressive). However, stepping into authentic masculine power can seem like an oxymoron that conjures up images of the Marlboro man, or thoughts of violence, homophobia, misogyny, money, and [...]

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Action as the Repair of an Apology

By |2021-09-09T02:55:57+00:00September 9th, 2021|Church, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships|

“I am sorry.” “I am SO sorry.” “SORRY!” “No, listen, I am REALLY, REALLY sorry.” “Forgive me?” “My bad.” “My apologies.” When these attempts at an apology don’t get through to the partner we have harmed many times we try self-contempt. “Okay, I suck.” “I am such an idiot.” As [...]

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Am I an Abuser? A Self-Assessment

By |2021-07-21T03:09:28+00:00July 20th, 2021|Addiction, Church, Domestic Violence, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame, Violence|

One of the most difficult parts of this healing process of becoming a good and safe man is owning the fact that you have been abusive. So does that make you an abuser?  Of course, it does. Yet, there is such stigma and shame around that word, it is difficult [...]

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“You are an abuser!” “No, you are the abuser!”

By |2021-07-03T01:45:33+00:00June 18th, 2021|Domestic Violence, Fatherlessness, Healing, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Violence|

It's rare for an abusive man somewhere on the spectrum of an abuser not to claim that his wife is just as abusive or is also an abuser. I hear it all the time. “But, Andrew, sure I abused her that one time, but she has done…” The list of their [...]

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Scripture & Abuse

By |2021-05-10T15:29:15+00:00May 10th, 2021|Church, Domestic Violence, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Violence, women|

*Trigger Warning for those women who have been spiritually abused I am convinced scripture is meant to be a scalpel that facilitates healing and leads us into the painful holy act of repentance and transformation. Yet often scripture can resemble a crowbar. Looking to pound, shame, and control those who [...]

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The Spectrum of an Abuser

By |2021-05-04T00:53:40+00:00May 4th, 2021|Addiction, Domestic Violence, Healing, Kindness, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Violence|

It’s important to note this article's intent is not to be used to justify abusive behavior but to more clearly define it. If you are a woman in an unsafe situation, get safe, immediately.     I have been working with abusive men in my private counseling practice for ten [...]

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