My Mom is Dying
Honored to be with my mom today, every moment holy. It’s a gift to say goodbye in this way. This will be the 7th day in a row I am getting to sit with her and visit. Part of me hates this; the other part of me wouldn’t want to [...]
I Want to Be Like Jesus, But I Don’t Want to Be Abused
“Well, I don’t want to be just like Jesus because he is dead,” my 5-year-old son blurted out one morning on the way to school. His deadpan delivery startled me. My theological brain wanted to jump in about resurrection and eternal life, but he had named something profound: We want [...]
Inane Suffering VS. Redemptive Suffering
Inviting people into their suffering is part of my job description. Yet folks don’t come to see me unless they are already in a great deal of pain. Many times, their suffering is because of what someone did to them without their consent, and other times, their misery is [...]
Healing But Not Feeling: Men’s Commitment to Faux-Transformation
Let me be candid with you, many men who say they're on this journey of transformation and change are, well, frankly, full of ofσκύβαλα aka skubala (this is the Greek word for shit, dung, fecal matter, decayed waste made famous by the Apostle Paul which he used in his [...]
On Weaponizing Forgiveness
Illustration by Raquel Aparicio A common abusive tactic that can be used by those in positions of spiritual authority is what I call, “weaponizing forgiveness”. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing, that can be vital to your own healing and liberation, yet it must be understood more fully, rather than used [...]
My Mother’s Fourth Year of Dementia
Being around Alzheimer’s/dementia feels like being around death. My mom is void of herself—a shell of a human still trying to be polite, hospitable—yet she is gone. She is no longer the woman who raised me. I have noticed this week, being around her, that I too feel gone. As [...]
A Reflection on Father’s Day
Father's Day is such a strange day for me. A day full of hope for the future, contentment for the present, and grief for the past. I don't think my desire to be fathered will ever fully go away. I both hate that and have come to love it, as [...]
The Art of Lament
“Churches should be the most honest place in town, not the happiest place in town.” - Walter Brueggemann The 11-year anniversary of the death of my courageous boy, Brave (You can watch our film here), has me thinking of the art of lament. Why should we engage in our pain? [...]
Watching My Mother Die
Watching my mom die in such a gruesome way has been agonizing. You see, it’s not your typical tragic ending. It’s not like the horrific cancer that stole my sister-in-law Julie so quickly, or the unknown reason my father passed away after routine outpatient surgery, or the haunting suicide which [...]
No, Sorry, You’re Not a Virgin: Untangling Porn & Purity
The purity movement of the 90s created some odd sexual behaviors that we are still seeing play out 30 years later as those adolescents have become married adults attempting to have healthy sexual relationships. One of those sexual outcomes is that men (and many women) are proud that they “waited” [...]
Abuse is War: Understanding Our Wife in Her Recovery
General William Sherman once said, “War is Hell” and I completely agree. I would also say abuse is war, just a different type. The hell that a woman bears by living with an insecure, defensive, and reactive husband can leave her with PTSD similar to that of a veteran returning [...]
Redeeming Power: Reclaiming Authentic Masculinity
The answer to becoming a safe and good man is not becoming weaker (humble, yes—weak, no); it's about becoming more powerful (not aggressive). However, stepping into authentic masculine power can seem like an oxymoron that conjures up images of the Marlboro man, or thoughts of violence, homophobia, misogyny, money, and [...]
Action as the Repair of an Apology
“I am sorry.” “I am SO sorry.” “SORRY!” “No, listen, I am REALLY, REALLY sorry.” “Forgive me?” “My bad.” “My apologies.” When these attempts at an apology don’t get through to the partner we have harmed many times we try self-contempt. “Okay, I suck.” “I am such an idiot.” As [...]
My First Time: A Story of Covert Sexual Abuse
*Trigger Warning: Depression, Sexuality and Abuse It was the summer of ‘02, in my late teens, I was just coming out of my first full year of college after nearly flunking out; my life was crumbling all around me. A few weeks earlier, I had checked myself in and out [...]
What Happens When My Abusive Husband Gets Healthy?
It’s rare, but it happens. Abusive men can heal. But by rare, I mean the data is abysmal. Becoming safe and doing the work of healing only happens among roughly 1 in 10 abusive men. Your abusive husband can heal when, and only when, he fully faces the depth of [...]
Welcome Home, Grief.
Hello, Grief. Come into my house; make yourself comfortable. I trust you, as you are a relentless yet steady companion. Come to my table. Yes, my friend, you are invited to eat. You may have the seat of honor, for though I do not love you, I respect you. I [...]
The Shape of Grief: Guest Post by Andrew May
I am pleased to feature a guest post today by photographer and podcaster, Andrew May with Allegory & Elm in Asheville, NC. Seldom do you have a photographer who is willing to enter into the depths and contradictions of what it means to be human as courageously as Andrew and [...]
WAP: A Celebration of Female Sexuality or An Internalization of Male Supremacy?
*trigger warning: Degrading language, graphic sexual abuse described Patriarchy’s influence on popular culture has made objectification and violence against women normative. We are so accustomed to violence against women, we don’t even react to it anymore. Songs I grew up listening to, for example, “O.P.P." by Naughty By [...]
How to Honor Your Mother & Father as You Heal
One question that comes up often during the healing journey is, how do I honor my mother and father? Telling the truth of one's family of origin is vital to understanding the truth of one’s own life. To begin to live differently, we must first see clearly. Why does [...]
Sexualizing Sorrow: How Trauma Informs Our Sexual Brokenness
This is an excerpt from my book, The Sexually Healthy Man For us to break free from our unwanted compulsive behaviors, we must have the courage to delve deeper into our woundedness and explore what lies beneath it. We must begin to kindly yet decisively cut out the roots of [...]