My Mother’s Fourth Year of Dementia

By |2023-07-20T20:14:24+00:00July 20th, 2023|Death, God, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Loss|

Being around Alzheimer’s/dementia feels like being around death. My mom is void of herself—a shell of a human still trying to be polite, hospitable—yet she is gone. She is no longer the woman who raised me. I have noticed this week, being around her, that I too feel gone. As [...]

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Marriage, No Matter What!? An Ideology of Idolatry

By |2023-01-13T19:35:12+00:00January 13th, 2023|Addiction, Domestic Violence, Domestic Violence, God, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Marriage, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, women|

One way to retraumatize and groom a victim of abuse is the promotion of the “marriage, no matter what” ideology which is common for women coming out of Christian abuse-affirming churches. The damaging “marriage, no matter what” ideology is a salvation fantasy and a form of idolatry that must be [...]

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Abuse in the Protestant Church

By |2022-12-14T12:51:46+00:00December 14th, 2022|Church, Domestic Violence, God, Healing, Loss, Sexism, Sexual Abuse|

Abuse in the Protestant Church is a serious concern that has caused immense pain and suffering for so many, especially women. I have spent the last year of my life listening to women’s stories for my dissertation and my newest book project called, The Elephant in the Church: What Women [...]

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The Art of Lament

By |2022-12-09T13:47:19+00:00December 9th, 2022|Death, Death, Grief, Healing, Loss|

“Churches should be the most honest place in town,  not the happiest place in town.”  - Walter Brueggemann The 11-year anniversary of the death of my courageous boy, Brave (You can watch our film here), has me thinking of the art of lament. Why should we engage in our pain? [...]

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Redeeming Power: Reclaiming Authentic Masculinity

By |2021-09-09T18:05:13+00:00September 9th, 2021|Death, Domestic Violence, Fatherlessness, Glory, God, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Masculinity, patriarchy, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Violence|

The answer to becoming a safe and good man is not becoming weaker (humble, yes—weak, no); it's about becoming more powerful (not aggressive). However, stepping into authentic masculine power can seem like an oxymoron that conjures up images of the Marlboro man, or thoughts of violence, homophobia, misogyny, money, and [...]

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Pornography Accountability Software: Yes or No?

By |2020-09-09T21:29:14+00:00September 9th, 2020|patriarchy, Addiction, Healing, Loss, Marriage, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame|

  It's a question I hear often in the work I do with men recovering from unwanted sexual behaviors: “Is accountability software helpful or effective?” My answer, like most of the advice given in this field, is a nuanced one; yes it is, and no it isn’t. Let me explain.  [...]

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How to Honor Your Mother & Father as You Heal

By |2020-08-15T16:24:01+00:00August 15th, 2020|Fatherlessness, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Relationships|

One question that comes up often during the healing journey is, how do I honor my mother and father? Telling the truth of one's family of origin is vital to understanding the truth of one’s own life. To begin to live differently, we must first see clearly.   Why does [...]

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Sexualizing Sorrow: How Trauma Informs Our Sexual Brokenness

By |2020-12-07T18:46:34+00:00March 11th, 2020|Addiction, Glory, God, Grief, Healing, Loss, Marriage, Masculinity, patriarchy, Pornography, Relationships, Sexism, Sexuality, Shame|

This is an excerpt from my book, The Sexually Healthy Man For us to break free from our unwanted compulsive behaviors, we must have the courage to delve deeper into our woundedness and explore what lies beneath it. We must begin to kindly yet decisively cut out the roots of [...]

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My Dad’s Eulogy

By |2020-03-02T18:37:51+00:00March 2nd, 2020|Death, Grief, Healing, Loss|

This was the eulogy that I read at my dad's funeral. I want to continue to honor him in telling the complexity of truth, living in such a way, that is full-bodied and full-hearted.   Dad, I don’t think I told you enough. But I love you. You hurt me so [...]

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An Option Before Divorce: What is a Trial Separation?

By |2020-02-04T20:54:24+00:00February 4th, 2020|Healing, Loss, Marriage, Relationships, Sexuality|

Excited to team up with my wife Christy Bauman on this article. We regularly work with couples who are in this stage of trying to figure out how to save or lay to rest their marriage. (Check out our marriage offerings) Check out Christy's incredible work here and her new [...]

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Grieving a Lost Self

By |2019-12-04T16:53:03+00:00December 4th, 2019|Death, Death, Fatherlessness, Glory, God, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Marriage, Masculinity, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Sexuality, Shame|

I knew what had to be done; now I had to convince my body to carry out what my mind was telling me. It was about 9:00 p.m. when I reluctantly began gathering my belongings. I opened my pack and began filling it with my sleeping bag, a lighter, a [...]

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Face to Face with a Dying God: Engaging Beauty & Arousal

By |2019-08-27T18:18:44+00:00August 26th, 2019|Addiction, Anxiety, Domestic Violence, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Marriage, Masculinity, Pornography, Relationships, Self-Contempt, Sexism, Sexual Abuse, Sexuality, Shame|

 I was attending a professional training group to improve my therapeutic skills when I was brought face to face with deep, lingering fear and shame around my past treatment of women and idolatry of beauty.   One of the exercises we were asked to do was to pair up with another [...]

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Eulogy for Marriage: Honoring Life & Death

By |2019-08-21T16:21:58+00:00August 15th, 2019|Death, Domestic Violence, Forgiveness, Kindness, Loss, Marriage, Shame|

  Some of the most committed Christians I know have suffered the heartbreak of a divorce. Each story is different, each heartache unique. Some are the result of infidelity and betrayal or covert abuse. Other times, contempt extends so deeply over the years that the other begins to look more [...]

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Don’t Talk to me of God

By |2019-07-04T19:56:17+00:00July 4th, 2019|Church, Glory, Grief, Healing, Loss, Violence, Writings|

As I observe the state of our nation, I am increasingly concerned, especially with the state of the faith community at large. Many folks call the U.S. a Christian nation, and yet, in practice, we are anything but. While we increase our spending on military machines, we not only don’t [...]

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The Voice of Sons

By |2019-06-10T20:57:09+00:00June 10th, 2019|Anxiety, Calling, Fatherlessness, Forgiveness, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Masculinity, Poetry, Relationships, Shame|

We cry out for attachment through our excessive violence, our lack of school attendance, the amount of women we seduce, and few understand why we act out. In just three decades, the number of boys living without their biological fathers has doubled. Fifty percent of American children tonight will go [...]

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A Letter to Your Parents: Reclaiming a Lost Voice

By |2019-09-03T14:55:56+00:00June 6th, 2019|Addiction, Fatherlessness, Forgiveness, Grief, Healing, Kindness, Loss, Pornography, Relationships|

    One exercise I do often with clients is have them begin to tell the truth to their parents. This is not an attempt to blame their parents for all their current problems, but rather to reclaim a lost voice. We often relate to our parents the same way [...]

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Let Addiction Reign: A Poem to My Father

By |2019-05-30T17:51:29+00:00May 30th, 2019|Addiction, Death, Fatherlessness, Grief, Loss, Masculinity, Poetry, Shame|

1 Addiction 2 Addictions 3 Addictions 4   Dad, can you be addicted to anything more?   5 Addictions 6 Addictions 7 Addictions 8   Damn Dad can’t you get numb yet?   9 Addictions 10 Addictions 11 Addictions 12   Will you ever stop hating yourself?   I am [...]

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Shining a Light into Shame’s Darkness

By |2019-03-06T02:05:34+00:00March 5th, 2019|Glory, Healing, Loss, Shame|

Proud to have Dr. Jason Kanz as a guest blogger on my website this week. Jason is a neuropsychologist and writer. You can follow his work at JasonKanz.com   For several years, I learned everything I could about shame. I read books, listened to lectures, and attended conferences about the [...]

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