In the early 80s, Therapist Pia Mellody created a helpful model to help understand trauma and treat the issues that came from it. She called this model the “Developmental Model of Immaturity.” Fast forward another decade or so, therapist and author Terry Real developed Relational Life Therapy (RLT), built on [...]
Society, church, and family have all taught us messages of what masculinity is supposed to be (blog here) and who we are to become. Out of these messages, we make certain vows and choose which type of masculinity to embody. Below are four common categories of masculinity that you may [...]
What were the messages you received about being a man growing up? These are some of the common misconceptions about masculinity we were taught as children. These messages came from our parents, our schools, our churches, and society as a whole. They shaped our view of ourselves without us even [...]
Father's Day is such a strange day for me. A day full of hope for the future, contentment for the present, and grief for the past. I don't think my desire to be fathered will ever fully go away. I both hate that and have come to love it, as [...]
A kind of second childhood falls on so many men. —John Steinbeck This quote from Steinbeck makes so much sense to me. As I walk alongside men in recovery from deceptive sexuality and abuse this second childhood is very real. Many grown men from their 20s through 80s walk [...]
A common question I get asked weekly is, “What do I do—I caught my teenage son looking at porn?” I intend to write the book, The Sexually Healthy Teen, but until then, let’s talk about some helpful categories to engage your teen after porn exposure. First, make sure your own [...]
The answer to becoming a safe and good man is not becoming weaker (humble, yes—weak, no); it's about becoming more powerful (not aggressive). However, stepping into authentic masculine power can seem like an oxymoron that conjures up images of the Marlboro man, or thoughts of violence, homophobia, misogyny, money, and [...]
It's rare for an abusive man somewhere on the spectrum of an abuser not to claim that his wife is just as abusive or is also an abuser. I hear it all the time. “But, Andrew, sure I abused her that one time, but she has done…” The list of their [...]
Many women long for good and safe men in their lives. Sadly, they are rare, so much so that my wife keeps a list in her top drawer to remind herself that they even exist. Women need more good men. But men also need more good men. We long [...]
We love a good narcissist. Like flies drawn to the organic matter within feces, we hover close to a narcissist to try to catch some of what they seem to have, but what they actually offer us is clearly already decaying waste to those who are not the flies. Crude [...]
One question that comes up often during the healing journey is, how do I honor my mother and father? Telling the truth of one's family of origin is vital to understanding the truth of one’s own life. To begin to live differently, we must first see clearly. Why does [...]
The hot Clearwater, Florida sun demanded that we turn up the AC in the rental car on our way to the funeral home. As Christy and I drove up to the faded yellowish-white brick building, I felt the familiar tension of grief deep in my body. I knew this feeling, [...]
I knew what had to be done; now I had to convince my body to carry out what my mind was telling me. It was about 9:00 p.m. when I reluctantly began gathering my belongings. I opened my pack and began filling it with my sleeping bag, a lighter, a [...]
I carry you with me, everywhere. The lines of my hands resemble yours. The wrinkles beginning to form on my face bear a time when you used to smile. I see you in my crooked nose; it looks a lot like your integrity. These types of recognitions stun me on [...]
Below is a note from a concerned mother about her and her child's traumatic experience with pornography. We have chosen to protect the identity of the child and the family. Yet this letter is a gift for many of us to learn from as we continue the fight against the [...]
We cry out for attachment through our excessive violence, our lack of school attendance, the amount of women we seduce, and few understand why we act out. In just three decades, the number of boys living without their biological fathers has doubled. Fifty percent of American children tonight will go [...]
One exercise I do often with clients is have them begin to tell the truth to their parents. This is not an attempt to blame their parents for all their current problems, but rather to reclaim a lost voice. We often relate to our parents the same way [...]
1 Addiction 2 Addictions 3 Addictions 4 Dad, can you be addicted to anything more? 5 Addictions 6 Addictions 7 Addictions 8 Damn Dad can’t you get numb yet? 9 Addictions 10 Addictions 11 Addictions 12 Will you ever stop hating yourself? I am [...]
