Though the words egalitarian and complementarian never appear in the Bible, the ideals espoused in both theologies have resulted in frequent debate among evangelicals (Giles, 2020). The debate centers around a difference of interpretation of the biblical text regarding gender roles and submission (Roat, 2019). “In many ways, the debate [...]
I am proud to be writing this article in partnership with Taylor May, a survivor of emotional and spiritual abuse. She has boldly shared her own story about what it was like to be married to someone who had a Pornographic Style of Relating, (PSR) and what it felt like [...]
The answer to becoming a safe and good man is not becoming weaker (humble, yes—weak, no); it's about becoming more powerful (not aggressive). However, stepping into authentic masculine power can seem like an oxymoron that conjures up images of the Marlboro man, or thoughts of violence, homophobia, misogyny, money, and [...]
“I am sorry.” “I am SO sorry.” “SORRY!” “No, listen, I am REALLY, REALLY sorry.” “Forgive me?” “My bad.” “My apologies.” When these attempts at an apology don’t get through to the partner we have harmed many times we try self-contempt. “Okay, I suck.” “I am such an idiot.” As [...]
Fantasy is an effective tool of escape. It soothes wounds and calms the anxious heart. Yet, this commitment to escapism leads to a cowardice in facing our most wounded places and takes a serious toll on how we live and relate. Engagement with fantasy teaches us that relief is more [...]
For the last couple of years, I have created an odd and somewhat soothing ritual. As I talk on the phone with my clients (who are men struggling with compulsive sexual behaviors) from all over the nation, I count condoms. Odd, yes, but you have to know a little bit [...]
One of the most difficult parts of this healing process of becoming a good and safe man is owning the fact that you have been abusive. So does that make you an abuser? Of course, it does. Yet, there is such stigma and shame around that word, it is difficult [...]
It's rare for an abusive man somewhere on the spectrum of an abuser not to claim that his wife is just as abusive or is also an abuser. I hear it all the time. “But, Andrew, sure I abused her that one time, but she has done…” The list of their [...]
It’s important to note this article's intent is not to be used to justify abusive behavior but to more clearly define it. If you are a woman in an unsafe situation, get safe, immediately. I have been working with abusive men in my private counseling practice for ten [...]
Many women long for good and safe men in their lives. Sadly, they are rare, so much so that my wife keeps a list in her top drawer to remind herself that they even exist. Women need more good men. But men also need more good men. We long [...]
Just as there is an idolatry of sex, I have seen a new idolatry arising—the idolatry of shame. Let me explain. There seems to be an entire group of folks who are quite zealous to call out when they perceive you are “shaming” someone and/or eliciting shame by something you [...]
In 1955, Housekeeping Monthly published an article called, "The Good Wife's Guide," telling wive’s how to be a “good wife” to their husbands. This is the social norm that laid a foundation that our parents were born into and still permeates in the patriarchal, misogynistic air that we breathe. [...]
*Trigger Warning: Depression, Sexuality and Abuse It was the summer of ‘02, in my late teens, I was just coming out of my first full year of college after nearly flunking out; my life was crumbling all around me. A few weeks earlier, I had checked myself in and out [...]
It’s rare, but it happens. Abusive men can heal. But by rare, I mean the data is abysmal. Becoming safe and doing the work of healing only happens among roughly 1 in 10 abusive men. Your abusive husband can heal when, and only when, he fully faces the depth of [...]
Merely being a living, breathing human in this gloriously fallen world is a task in itself. Yet throwing in living in partnership, both people attempting to authentically with full desire even more daunting. Marriage is grueling, at times feels like an impossible invitation to the heights of Heaven and the [...]
At our counseling center, we deal regularly with trauma triggers in relationships. Relationship coach Kyle Benson defines a trigger as “an issue that is sensitive to our heart—typically something from our childhood or a previous relationship.” Another way I like to define this concept is as a trauma response. Many [...]
We love a good narcissist. Like flies drawn to the organic matter within feces, we hover close to a narcissist to try to catch some of what they seem to have, but what they actually offer us is clearly already decaying waste to those who are not the flies. Crude [...]
Hello, Grief. Come into my house; make yourself comfortable. I trust you, as you are a relentless yet steady companion. Come to the table. Yes, my friend, you are invited to eat. You may have the seat of honor, for though I do not love you, I respect you. I [...]
It's a question I hear often in the work I do with men recovering from unwanted sexual behaviors: “Is accountability software helpful or effective?” My answer, like most of the advice given in this field, is a nuanced one; yes it is, and no it isn’t. Let me explain. [...]
I am pleased to feature a guest post today by photographer and podcaster, Andrew May with Allegory & Elm in Asheville, NC. Seldom do you have a photographer who is willing to enter into the depths and contradictions of what it means to be human as courageously as Andrew and [...]
