One of the most difficult parts of this healing process of becoming a good and safe man is owning the fact that you have been abusive. So does that make you an abuser?  Of course, it does. Yet, there is such stigma and shame around that word, it is difficult to bear.

So, it’s both of course you are, and of course, that is not the totality of who you are, but it is a part of what you have done. It’s also difficult to self-assess when we have such huge blind spots in our own life and story. My hope is that the work and self-reflection you have done throughout your own therapeutic work and/or reading material has prepared you to continue to take an honest view of your life and your actions or inaction.

A reminder that shame nor denial of your past behavior is not a helpful destination. We own our past failures (without shame or self-contempt) as an effort to become intimate with them and move beyond them. As you take the assessment below, please place a checkmark next to the answer that best fits. At the end, you will add up your points to make a proper assessment of your abuse. 

Self-Assessment 

1. I feel insecure about my partner’s love for me.  

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  • Very much like me

2. I often demand my partner rather than invite my partner.

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

3. My partner would say that I am often jealous.

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

4. I often feel alone inside my own head. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

5. I feel young inside.

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

6. Sex is often about me and my needs rather than my partners. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

7. My partner would say I place many unrealistic expectations on her. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

8. I can often be short and aggressive, rather than patient and kind. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

9. I tend to isolate rather than embrace community. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

10. When I feel disrespected I get aggressive and mean. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

11. I am very controlling of my partner and the people closest to me. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

12. If I don’t do it and do it my way, it won’t get done correctly, or no one will do it. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

13. Having and sharing vulnerable emotions makes me uncomfortable. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

14. I am rigid and uptight. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

15. I feel unchosen and not pursued by my partner. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

16. I feel unappreciated and unseen for the work that I do. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

17. I lie or hide things from my partner because they cannot handle the truth.

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

18. I pressure my partner for sex. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

19. My children do not feel safe to bring me their vulnerable emotions. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

20. My partner would say that I am abusive. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

21. I struggle with intimacy and connection with people in my life. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

22. I want order and obedience. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

23. I often blame my partner for how I am feeling. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

24. When I get angry, I often move towards aggression. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

25. I do not trust most people. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

26. I think I can do most things better than my partner. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

27. When I am around other men I feel insecure. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

28. I often look at other women when I am in public; I just can’t help it. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

29. I have historically or presently engaged in pornography use on a regular basis. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me

30. When I shut down I keep everyone from knowing how I really feel. 

• •  Not like me
  •  Somewhat like me
  •  Neutral
  •  Like me
  •  Very much like me 

Scoring

Below is the scoring for each category. 

• Not like me – 0  
• Somewhat like me – 1
• Neutral – 2  
• Like me – 3  
• Very much like me – 4 

 Now go back through each question and write a numerical value next to each question depending on your answer. Add the total of all 30 questions.  

Your Score:  _____

0-30: Good job. You have done the hard work and it shows. It may be time to begin to pour into other men and mentor those who need to hear your story and share your wisdom. 

31-60: Well, you are on the spectrum of an abuser. But the good news is that you have made a lot of improvement on becoming a good and safe man. As you already know, you have not yet arrived but you are trending in the right direction. Continue to do the work and humble yourself into becoming a man that is willing to do the difficult work of transformation. Continue to tell the truth of your story and your behavior with deep kindness and grief. You are no longer the man you used to be, yet you must continue to become the man you long to be. 

61-120:  It’s pretty clear that you are an ass. I hope you are not surprised by this. Not to fear—there is hope—but the hope will be found in your crucifixion. (Please refer to the What Happens when my Abusive Husband Gets Healthy essay.) There is much work to be done. There are many resources that will help get you to become the man you most want to be. But first, you need to own that you have a problem and that you need to deal with the insecurity and violence within you. Please check out our offerings at www.ChristianCC.org