Categories of Vowed Masculinity 

Society, church, and family have all taught us messages of what masculinity is supposed to be (blog here) and who we are to become. Out of these messages, we make certain vows and choose which type of masculinity to embody. Below are four common categories of masculinity that you may have been taught and that impact how you have been living. Naming which category we tend to be in can help us understand who we are and assist us in making a conscious choice to live out our masculinity with more courage and integrity. 

4 Categories of Vowed Masculinity:

1. The NICE GUY

From the time I was a very young boy, I received messages about being the “nice guy,” especially from the church. The “nice guy” is the impotent man, terrified of conflict, a “yes man”, who confuses niceness and kindness. He is not in touch with his anger and thus not in tune with his strength. He is comfortable with his cowardice because he is terrified of looking foolish. He is not honest or authentic, and his mask is exhausting for those closest to him. 

The BREAKDOWN: How this shows up in different arenas of a man’s life.

SEXUALLY: This guy often has a secret sexual life. Sexually, he presents himself in shame as he cuts off part of his desire and hides the parts of his life that are not socially acceptable. 

SPIRITUALLY:  He works hard to be a “good” Christian, yet never feels like he adds up. He is timid. He knows theology, but it is not integrated with his body. He stays safe in the world of ideas. 

INNER CHILD: The nice guy’s inner child figured out quickly how to survive. He became adaptive at learning what made his life work.  He may have learned from an abusive father and/or strict mother or an absent father and/or smothering mother that “niceness” was the way to get “love.” Becoming a peacemaker meant feeling loved and accepted, and the tension he felt in his family could be minimized.  

RELATIONALLY: The nice guy tries to connect with others but doesn’t know how. He is lonely because he is inauthentic but doesn’t know it. He is more interested in resurrection than crucifixion and doesn’t understand that you must fully enter your “death” to wholly experience your life.  He will go to counseling but try to keep it shallow and avoid conflict both relationally and internally. These men have typically not been good stewards of their suffering. 

THEIR PARTNER: In many cases, the partner of this man is bored. She wants more adventure, risk, and excitement. She feels terrible for complaining because he is “so nice,” yet she is deeply disappointed in her marriage and what life with him has become. She wants more fire and heart. 

TRAUMA: The nice guy’s trauma is typically rooted in violence. It might be the physical, emotional, and psychological violence of a father or the violence of triangulation and smothering of a mother. The violent father is controlled by fear and makes everyone pay who crosses him. So family members get in line, and the young son vows to become a “nice guy” and never be like his father, never yell, and never even get visibly angry. This man has lost his strength because he has associated his strength with his father’s violence. This man’s trauma can also be impacted by his mother’s violence. The nice guy’s mother has become another lover, a form of emotional incest. Growing up the boy became his mother’s confidant, her surrogate spouse, the person she went to to get all her emotional needs met that his father did not meet. This is a subtle form of abuse but abuse nonetheless. 

2. The TOUGH GUY 

This guy fits into the stereotypical role of a red-blooded American male. Think about the socialization of masculinity. When you were a boy, did you receive messages that reinforced gender stereotypes and emphasized that a violent, tough guy is the goal of authentic masculinity? 

I co-led a Wild at Heart book group with my buddy Randall in college. Wild at Heart was a popular evangelical book in the early 2000s about reclaiming authentic masculine strength and power. We hand-picked some of the home school students in the youth group at our church that we deemed needing a dose of “manliness” and asked them to join. We were reclaiming our “nice guys” and becoming the “wild men” we were meant to be. Most of those 8 weeks were unique and beautiful growth for all of us. But clearly, my unresolved issues were playing out in my leadership. I decided the kids we were leading needed to fight each other to be more manly. (I know, bear with me with grace.) 

Randall, the older and more responsible one, was sick on the day of the boxing matches. I removed all the folding chairs and created the ring in the church Sunday school classroom. I brought the gloves and made a bracket-style tournament posted to the wall. Our excitement and the kid’s fear were tangible. 

The first two guys stepped up and started boxing. Within 10 seconds, they were both lightly bleeding from their lips; as haymakers flew wild, these homeschooled kids looked like two rabid gorillas trying to rip each other’s heads off. I paused, contemplating whether this was a good idea, but decided to continue the tournament-style death match. After the first match ended in a draw, we glanced at the bracket, and I realized I was next up. Unfortunately, the numbers weren’t even there, so I’d include myself in the competition. I am not some prized street fighter, but I was in college, and these were all young, relatively scrawny high school kids. We squared up, and I quickly gave my opponent a left jab and a right hook square to his face. His nose crumbled like a dry cookie and promptly became a fire hydrant of blood to everyone around him. He went down as blood began to cover the church carpet. 

The other kids all stood there in shock, and I, as the “volunteer leader,” stood in horror. “ Have I killed this little kid?” I thought. I kneeled to ensure he was still breathing, and we slowly walked down the hall to the bathroom. We attempted to clean up his face and his blood-stained clothes as much as we could. We both peered into the mirror at his crooked nose as we shoved toilet paper up his nostrils to stop the bleeding. Our boxing tournament came to a quick ending as we waited for their parents to arrive to pick up their traumatized sons. I knew I had made a terrible mistake as I slowly walked out to the parking lot to explain to this young man’s mom how I broke her son’s nose during our “Bible study.” She was surprisingly gracious–but the damage had been done. Maybe, I realized, being a man is more than being able to “fight” and be so-called tough. That day felt awful, both for me as the one responsible and in a leadership position and for the young, impressionable men. If we’d been encouraged to pursue aggression as the highest form of masculinity, why did it leave us feeling so bad?

Professor Dr. Kristen Kobes DuMez states in her book Jesus and John Wayne, “For some men, wild, aggressive masculinity has always been untenable. One man with a physical disability recalls feeling that there was no place for him in the evangelicalism of the 2000s. If you weren’t a ‘sports or hunting fanatic in an evangelical church’, your position was marginal, as he put it. Another man, too, recounted that those who weren’t particularly athletic, who weren’t looking to ‘jump across ravines and climb rock walls’ could feel like inauthentic men and second-class Christians.” (DuMez, 2020, p. 302)  I was trying to lead these men in a type of aggressive masculinity that had little to do with authentic manhood and more to do with insecurity and fear. The “tough guy” overcompensates for his deficiencies and insecurities and attempts to “prove” that he is a man, rather than merely rest into the fact that he already is.

The BREAKDOWN: How this shows up in different arenas of a man’s life.

SEXUALLY: He uses sex to feel better about himself. He feels entitled to his wife’s body and can use scripture and theology as a weapon to get his way. He diminishes others’ feelings and thinks only about himself and his desires. 

He typically uses porn or at least has a history with porn, but believes that this is “every man’s battle,” and as long as he is honest about his porn use, then he is good. 

SPIRITUALLY: These men have developed a militant theological structure. Jesus rides in on the white horse with his robe dipped in blood. They see their views as always right; there is no room for nuance or gray areas. They know God and can control God. 

INNER CHILD: The “tough guy” hates his inner little boy. He has deep contempt for what makes him feel weak. His little boy feels young and futile, so he has contempt for him and how he makes him feel. 

RELATIONALLY:  This guy is aggressive and wildly insecure. He is not connected to his heart because it feels weak. He attempts to gain power and control in all his relationships and in whatever ways possible. He is entitled and unaware of his privilege. He does not like to feel deeply, thus making it difficult to connect with this man.

THEIR PARTNER:  The partner of this man longs for kindness, humility, and soft hands that hold their heart and vulnerability well. He is the bull in the china shop, and his wife feels alone and desperate, as if she will never be seen or known. 

TRAUMA: The tough guy’s trauma can look like various things. Many times, they were raised by a violent father who grooms their “tough guy” son, or the pendulum swings, and it’s a cowardly father who is timid and spineless. Either way, a vow is made: “I will be tougher than the trauma that I have suffered, I will become so hard that nothing will affect me again.” They act tough, even though they may be a scared little orphan boy on the inside. 

In my story, I felt like my dad was a weak man. He loved music, art, and theater and was gay. In my evangelical upbringing, there was no category for that, so I felt like I had to become the most “not gay” guy around. Even though I loved art, music, and theater, I threw myself into only competitive sports, seducing women and presenting hard. This guarded my greatest fear that I was like my father. In reality, my trauma (the lack of relationship with my father) had little to nothing to do with his sexuality and everything to do with his lack of integrity and his ability to make peace with his shame and self-hatred. 

3. The CLUELESS GUY

This man and the nice guy are cousins. He is not cruel or blatant in his harm, but he does not speak the language of intimacy and connection, aka the language of the heart. He has chosen to be ignorant and claim ignorance rather than learn how to connect deeply. 

The BREAKDOWN: How this shows up in different arenas of a man’s life.

SEXUALLY: He will pressure his wife into sex and be completely unaware of her experience. He has ambivalence around his sexuality and has chosen unawareness to his wife’s deeper desires for connection. He will often play the victim and be “hurt” that his partner isn’t as interested in sex as he is. This man does not demand patriarchal norms but assumes them in his sexuality. 

SPIRITUALLY: He goes to church and fits in well with the crowd. He will even read his bible and pray, but this man is not in touch with his body and thus disconnected from the Spirit of God. He will have his accountability group and be able to point to evidence of how spiritually mature he is. But this man is anything but mature; he chooses to coast through life and spirituality. He wants to avoid pain and feels like he is just fine the way he is. His lack of emotional awareness directly limits his ability to have a robust spiritual life. 

RELATIONALLY: He has not worked to become emotionally mature and emotionally in shape. He attempts to connect with those he loves but misses the mark. He does not have deep or meaningful relationships even though he has many friends. He is not cruel but avoids responsibility for his life by claiming ignorance. He is unaware of how desperately he craves intimacy and connection with others; he finds it in dabbling in pornography and projecting his loneliness on his wife to find relief. 

INNER CHILD: He has not adequately grieved his wounds or explored the complexities of his own story or mystery, thus presenting as younger than his actual age. He has no relationship with his inner child or his underdeveloped parts. His child leads him in many ways that he is unaware of, and this deeply impacts the quality of his life and relationships. 

THEIR PARTNER:  Many times, the partner of this type of man will work even harder emotionally to connect or become emotionally more intelligent to make up for the lack in their partner. The partner can overfunction, creating a greater divide in their relationship with the clueless guy. This can be exhausting and ultimately a waste of time, as the outcome is not more intimacy but more resentment as the partner cannot save the clueless guy; he must choose to do the work for himself.

TRAUMA: The trauma for the clueless guy can vary. There is no one-size-fits-all, yet at some point in this man’s story, he faced tremendous obstacles and suffered deep heartache. He was alone and had no one to help guide him, so he made a vow to never suffer like that again. He vowed not to care, not to live with “heart,” but to merely survive. For this man to survive, he had to “cut off” parts of his humanity and become more like a robot than a man. This vow both kept him alive when he was young and is killing him now.  

4. The ATTUNED GUY

The attuned guy is the healthiest version of masculinity. He has done the internal work and knows his identity and why. He knows he has nothing left to “prove,” so he lives in a centered and secure way, not because of the absence of suffering but because he has made peace with his suffering. He has been a good steward of his pain and has used his story to begin to help others. He is both kind and strong. He is humble yet not self-defacing. He fights cleanly, meaning he does not become aggressive or demeaning when angry. 

The BREAKDOWN: How this shows up in different arenas of a man’s life.

SEXUALLY: In sexuality, he seeks mutuality and equality. He is not selfish with his pleasure; he understands that love gives and receives pleasure. He understands patriarchy and the cost on his partner’s body and is gentle and patient with sexuality. He knows sex is more than intercourse. He is more interested in making sure they are emotionally connected before sexual connection. He doesn’t use sex as a pacifier for difficult emotions. He is interested more in mutuality, connectedness, and being present with his partner than merely his orgasm. 

SPIRITUALITY: This man knows that his emotional and spiritual health are intertwined. He takes his body and soul integration seriously and takes time to listen to his body and the voice of God that resides there. He is connected to himself and thus to the God that resides in him and the God that made him. He knows his story well, as does the author who co-wrote it. 

RELATIONALLY: He has deep and authentic long-term relationships. He is not isolated and seeks to know both others and himself. He is in touch with his heart and story, which helps him be reflective, not reactive when issues arise. He may not have hundreds of friends, but he has two or three that he knows and is fully known by. 

INNER CHILD: He has made peace with the younger parts of himself. He is not insecure about where he feels young and doesn’t have self-contempt toward those parts. He feels tenderness, kindness, and care toward what is underdeveloped inside himself. This man understands the different parts within himself. He loves his wounded little boy and understands the adaptive child within himself, and he chooses to parent those parts of him and bring them into adulthood. 

THEIR PARTNER: Here, there is a true “partnership”. They are a team in every aspect. They know how to “fight clean,” they know the difference between anger and aggression and follow rules of engagement, treating each other with kindness and respect. They understand each other’s stories and how it impacts how they live. They are differentiated and do not depend on each other’s well-being to be okay. They don’t need each other but choose each other. Their partner rests in their integrity and courage. 

TRAUMA: Just like the rest of the categories, the attuned man also has a history of trauma. But this man has stewarded his pain with intention. His trauma may be large or small, but he takes his story seriously and does not minimize the pain he has suffered and how it has shaped him. The shadow parts of himself have become intertwined with his very being, no longer being ruled by the shame of what he has not yet faced within his own heart. 

It is time to break free from what has historically defined you and become who God wants you to be. The attuned man has done the crucifixion work and is not afraid of his pain or vulnerability. He has made peace with his death and his life. He has outgrown his adolescent ways of being and stepped into facing his own story and what it means to be a man of great courage and integrity. 

These categories are not all-encompassing and static but are commonplace in many young men’s development. If you find yourself here, may you choose to become an attuned man, overgrowing adolescent behavior and shedding the damaging messages that were given.