What were the messages you received about being a man growing up?

These are some of the common misconceptions about masculinity we were taught as children. These messages came from our parents, our schools, our churches, and society as a whole. They shaped our view of ourselves without us even knowing it. 

How were you socialized into your masculinity? 

These socializations are not “all” bad. They can be helpful and serve a purpose, but they also need to be exposed and understood so we can see how we can outgrow them. 

1. Emotions are Weak: 
  • From an early age, boys are often taught that expressing certain emotions is a weakness. No wonder we have difficulty connecting deeply with others and developing fulfilling intimacy and connections with our wives. 

“But anger/aggression is somehow not an emotion?”

Truth: Emotions and vulnerability are strengths. They are the key to intimacy and connection, which is what we most desire and what we seek behind our addictions. 

2. Aggression and Conquer/ Dominance/ Strength 
  • Boys are taught to be aggressive and conquer. Boys are often socialized to take control and power over others. This is seen as real “manhood:” to conquer and assert control, not to compromise. 

We see this in how men connect in today’s society. When is the only time men are eye to eye in our society? When they fight—think of boxing standoffs or UFC fights. Men are not taught to face each other unless they are competing. 

3. The “Leader” Role
  • Men are often socialized to believe that their primary role is to be the financial provider, leader, and protector of their family. These roles aren’t “all” bad; protecting your family or wanting to lead is not wrong. But what if you take this message incorrectly and no longer believe in “shared” partnership or mutual submission? Many men are underdeveloped emotionally and yet still try to lead, and they end up leading their families to unhealthy, toxic places. 
  • The implied leadership role can create a posture of “entitlement” without the effort required to earn it. Leadership is earned through wisdom and courageous behavior, not because you were born with specific genitalia.

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21, NIV)

Paul calls husbands to love their wives “as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25).

The man can be a “leader” through his ability to “lay down” his life. 

4. Objectification of Women
  • Sexual Performance and Conquest: Men are frequently socialized to view sexual activity as a measure of masculinity. This includes the notion that having multiple sexual partners or dominating in sexual relationships proves manhood.
  • Impact: This socialization can promote toxic sexual behavior, objectification of women, and unhealthy sexual dynamics. It also increases the likelihood of engaging in or excusing harmful behaviors like sexual harassment or coercion.
5. Stoicism 
  • “I Got This by Myself” Mentality: Men are socialized to approach life alone, often discouraging them from asking for help or showing vulnerability. Seeking emotional, financial, or physical support is sometimes seen as a failure to live up to masculine ideals. 
  • Impact: This can lead to isolation, mental health struggles, and reluctance to seek help in times of crisis, contributing to higher rates of untreated mental illness and addiction.
6. Women are the Weaker Vessel
  • Femininity Equals Weakness: In many cultures, men are socialized to distance themselves from anything perceived as “feminine” or “soft,” including nurturing, empathy, or caregiving. This helps set the stage for men to more easily objectify and abuse women and also interpret scripture in a way that more easily subjugates women. 
  • Impact: This narrow definition of masculinity can alienate men who do not conform to traditional gender or sexual norms. It can also create hostile environments to all things perceived as feminine. 

Many boys acquire these five common messages as they learn and grow into masculinity. Through these messages, many boys and young men create vows, which I call “Categories of Vowed Masculine Development,” which I will define in the next blog. If we can understand the messages we were given, we can begin to distill what the unhelpful and harmful messages of masculinity were so we can unlearn and relearn who God has made us to be.