Greg was a famous pastor, young and charismatic, a popular Christian author, and an influencer in my evangelical circles. Though I didn’t know him personally, I had heard his name often and appreciated his passionate work from afar. So, I was pleasantly surprised when I saw his name in our applications, signing up for our four-day men’s workshop. I was honored that he would trust me with his soul work and interested to see what type of man he was behind the ministry mask. 

After the first day of work, he seemed to be settling into what was being asked of him and admitted to being terrified. Part of my task was to help each man push himself to his edge, whatever that edge may be, knowing that each man has been on a unique journey and may be at different places on his healing path. All the men weighed their own cost, yet Greg’s cost felt different. What if he were honest, vulnerable, and transparent with this group of strangers? Many of these strangers knew who he was and his prominent position in the Christian subculture. He had preached for years about the power of truth-telling yet was still living his secrets; of course, we wouldn’t know that until the last day of our workshop. It was Greg’s turn to share his story; he looked like he was about to vomit. He stared intensely at the floor, seemingly looking for some way to escape what he felt he needed to share. He finally spoke aloud.

“I committed to go to the grave with my secrets, but I now realize it is killing me and my family. I saw the courage and integrity you all showed in sharing your stories of heartache and shame, and now I need to do the same.” He continued by sharing that he had lived a double life for the past ten years while leading one of America’s fastest-growing churches. “I have been visiting massage parlors, buying sex, and viewing hardcore porn regularly without my wife’s knowledge while I have been a pastor. I have probably had sex with over a thousand women around the world as I travel and teach at different Christian Conferences. I am a hypocrite of the worst kind.” The other men in the group were silent and shocked.

I, sadly, was not surprised, as I had heard similar stories in the past fifteen years of private practice working with Christian men with deceptive sexual behaviors and integrity abuse disorders. There was a collective sorrow that sat heavy in the room. Greg’s shame was present but not very high, and he presented somewhat muted in his grief and his confession. After sharing his burden with us, I asked him how he felt. He said he was proud that he had told the truth for the first time. I affirmed and told him this was the beginning of a new life he could be proud of, but that this was only the beginning. If he were serious about becoming a man of integrity and no longer being a fraud, his life would worsen before it got any better. He looked at me with a puzzled look, saying, “I thought this was the hard part?”. “Oh no, honesty is the easy part. Your crucifixion is only beginning,” I responded. “Well, what do I do now?” he retorted. “Well, now it is time to release the comfort of your facade completely. It’s time to finally be fully real and become who you have pretended to be,” I replied. “What?! No, I can’t.” he quickly retorted. I interrupted his protest by saying, “Yes, you must tell your wife and your world the truth and begin living with integrity. A new life cannot begin if there are secrets or lies in the new foundation being laid. ” You would have thought I was trying to steal a precious family heirloom. His eyes changed, and his face stiffened; he instantly became furious, yelling about eight inches from my face, “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! I HAVE THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF PEOPLES WHOSE SPIRITUAL LIFE DEPEND ON ME! WHAT ABOUT MY CHURCH AND MY MINISTRY?! IF I FALL, THEY FALL; I CANNOT BE HONEST WITH MY SEXUAL LIFE. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. NO, I WILL NOT, I WILL NOT DESTROY MY WIFE…” 

This was a critical moment in our work. The temptation was to mitigate the tension, but therapeutically, Greg needed the tension to be heightened for this to be helpful for him. Now, if he had a high level of toxic shame, I would never confront him in this way, but I saw defiance in his face, and he was full of a bloated sense of self-importance to the work of God in this world. He thought God needed him more than he needed God. He didn’t need to be coddled; his pride needed to be confronted. In his healing, he needed to be brought down into healing (like all narcissists) rather than cowering to his manipulation. So I took a deep breath, leaning towards his face and looking directly into his eyes with fierce power and intensity; I spoke. “Your bloated sense of self-importance is laughable and disgusting. You are a liar and a fraud. You hate women, but even more so, you hate your poor wife, whom you have imprisoned. If people’s eternal life depends on whether you continue to lie to them or not, it seems like you think you are God. And you make a poor God. Would you like me to go ahead and start worshiping you now? Are you the savior that I have been looking for? The truth is you are merely a coward, and insecure little boy masquerading as a “made” man. I don’t respect or envy the death that is ahead of you. You will be exposed if you willfully choose it or not; how do you want to die?” 

No one had ever confronted this so-called “influential” man like this before. Many leaders like this isolate themselves in positions of power to continue to hide, deceive, and protect their delight in powering over and abusing women. After my confrontation, he sat there in a stunned, uncomfortable silence, unable to hold my eyes; he held his head down low, now looking at the floor. I still didn’t sense shame but a burning fury and was ready for a fight. But the fight never came; he looked up at me, but this time, I saw something different in his eyes: a newfound humility and grief. He began to speak, saying, “Andrew, I hate what you are saying, and you piss me off, no one talks to me like that, but you are right. I am a liar. I am a fraud. I have hid behind the mask of ministry and being a “famous” pastor. If I loved my wife, I wouldn’t have lied and cheated on her. I am scared to lose everything that I know.” Yes, this was the vulnerability, humility, and openness we needed to start doing the healing work. My face softened, and I said, “Yes, this is going to hurt, and yes, you may lose everything, but one thing you will reclaim is your self-respect and this is a priceless gift.” He nodded in agreement. “Can you help me?” he said softly. “Yes, I can walk beside you. This journey toward integrity will hurt, but it is well worth the cost.” I replied. 

He spent the next few months telling his wife, telling his elder board, his close circle of friends, going to rehab, and stepping back from his position. This was the beginning of a new life, a path into the heart of his darkness and his bloody crucifixion toward a resurrected life full of integrity, courage, and hope. 

This is the path toward liberation.